[Stiggers] Imus Be Dreaming
Readin' Rain-Bro: "Will bicycles become the transportation alternative for the financially challenged individual who cannot afford to pay $3 for a gallon of gas? I might not have the answer to this question, but I do know critical thoughts regarding certain events will become hot topics this summer."
[Stiggers] When Life Gives You Lemons
Pookie Peterz: "Welcome to the Ghetto Science Economic Summit for Unemployed Folk Forced into Entrepreneurship. Tonight, Rudy McBride of the Let Me Hold Five Dollars National Bank presents the Residual Income Initiative: a new perspective into overcoming joblessness."
[Stiggers] Sick as a Doggie
Cootie McBride: "Greetings! I'm here to represent the members of the Ghetto Science Team's Pet Owners Consortium. My clients and I have filed a class action suit against companies who make and sell contaminated and/or poisonous pet food. I was compelled to act immediately after Sista Church Hat, owner of a dog named Alonso, said this alarming phrase to me: 'Pets have dropped dead like raining cats and dogs!'
[Stiggers] God is Frowning
Boneqweesha Jones: "Your favorite on-the-scene reporter is back for a special edition of 'Ghetto Dateline: Health Crisis in the 'Hood.' With me—live on location at Grandma Pookie's back porch via a camera phone, courtesy of Aunt Tee Tee and Brotha Hustle—is Nurse Tootie McBride.
[Stiggers] Everything's a Dollar
Miss Doodle-Mae: "Greetings, Jo-Jo's Discount Dollar Store customers. You may know me as the store's part-time cashier and security guard. Jo-Jo, however, feels that I'm as articulate as Barack Obama, and he has commissioned me—Miss Doodle-Mae Jenkins—to be the official spokesperson for his business.
[Stiggers] Hands Off My Mower
Sista Announcement: "Coming soon to A.T. & T. (i.e., Aunt Tee Tee) cable television is a fresh new chitlin' circuit gospel comedy called 'We Can Keep a Good Riding Lawnmower in the Ghetto.'
[Stiggers] Gotta Bang, Bang the Boogie
Lifetime Sista Gurl Women's Television Network presents the Ghetto Chick Flick of the Week: "The Adventures of Nurse Tootie McBride: Medicine Woman, LPN, certified Tahitian Total Health Elixir distributor and part-time Tai Chi Instructor." In this episode ,Nurse Tootie diagnoses Momma "Too Funky Feets" Tidwell.
[Stiggers] Poor Folks Gone Wild
Bonqweesha Jones: "People in today's society enjoy looking at other people's misery, mistakes and foibles. Viewers of those police reality shows love the action and excitement of the pursuit, i.e. the nappy-headed black guy being chased and wrestled down to the ground."
[Stiggers] Everything Must Go
Big Head Fred: "During Black History Month, the corporate world has thrived on your impulsive buying habits. In spite of your overworked and underpaid status, they depend on you to spend your time on spending your hard-earned salary or tax-refund check on things that clutter up your home. I must admit, however, that I, too, need your money. I'm a small businessperson, with bills to pay.
[Stiggers] Watching You Watch Us
Kunta "Rahsheed X" Toby: "Welcome to 'Why Aggravate a Brother?' It's Ghetto Science Television's new reality series about racial profiling. This episode is sponsored by the law offices of Cootie McBride, Aunt Tee Tee Hustle's Mending the Digital Divide Project, Nurse Tootie McBride Wound Center for Violent Beat Downs and bail bondsman Scooter D.
[Stiggers] Butt Whippings for This?
Mr. Announcement: "On this Black History episode of All God's Churn Got Shoes, Mr. Teacher makes his History and Ghetto Science class think."
[Stiggers] You Are Making Us So Hot
Mr. Announcement: "Kunta 'Rahsheed X' Toby and the George Washington Carver Holistic Health Commission of Tuskeegee, Alabama, present 'Global Warming in the Ghetto,' a documentary film about climate changes in poor neighborhoods."
[Stiggers] Shafted by the Shift?
Grandpa Pookie: "Greetings, members of the Illumi-Nappy-Headed, Sausage Sandwich Sisters Electric Slide for World Peace and Rent Money, Stop the Ham Hocks and Decrease the Pork Grease Coalition, Women in Church Hats (Union # 297 1/3), and Ghetto Science Homeland Security Team. As a concerned chairperson of the Ghetto Science Team, I've ordered this special meeting because my senses have become quite sensitive. Maybe it's global warming or that Bubba Robinski soy protein sausage biscuit I ate. Nevertheless, I feel a paradigm shift. My concern today is how will people respond when the 'shift' moves to overdrive?
[Stiggers] Aunt Tee Tee's Superhighway
Momma Church Hat: "You're watching 'Dateline TV: Ghetto Science Team Neighborhood Watch Edition.' I'm reporting live from the front porch of Aunt Tee Tee Hustle. For two weeks, neighbors and close friends have witnessed some very unusual activity at her house. Since this afternoon, the GSTV camera crew (also part-time surveillance detectives from the 'Cheaters' reality television show) and I have been monitoring the strange activity from across the street with our consumer-brand digital camcorder and parabolic microphone.
[Stiggers] An Already Angry Sista
TaaQweema: "I'm Boneqweesha's star student and Suma Cum Lawd Have Mercy graduate of the Hair Did University school of Cosmetology. You're watching 'Ask 'TaaQweema,' the new call-in and advice television show. Before I close, I must address a question via e-mail from 'AlreadyAngrySista-N-2007.' She writes:
[Stiggers] Work It, Miss Wanda
Bonqweesha Jones: "Welcome to 'Lookin' Good in the 'Hood Ghetto Make Over' television show, brought to you by the Hair Did University School of Cosmetology. Tonight my H.D.U. students will transform a plain Crunchie Burga World employee into a well-dressed individual.
[Stiggers] 'I'm Black, and I'm Proud!'
Brotha Hustle: "Welcome to my street-corner tribute to the late, great musician, singer, songwriter and performer Mr. James Brown. Many of you know about his musical achievements and influence.
[Stiggers] Broke, Busted, Can't Be Trusted
Rev. Cletus: "This is your Reverend Cletus Car Sales radio broadcast! Remember: If you need to get from point A to B, see one of my deacons at the car lot to receive your blessing—a nice, used car. And for those looking for a ride to Bible study, praise team/choir practice or Sunday worship service, the Double Dutch Church Bus will take you there!
[Stiggers] Good Ole Boy Obama
Mr. Announcement: "This episode of 'All God's Churn Got Shoes,' features the directorial debut of 'Little Baby Sista X' and Kunta 'Rahsheed X,' Toby's sister.
[Stiggers] Hot Treats In The ‘Hood
Still Bill the Funk Doctor: "Happy holidays, groovy people! This is your 'funk doctor' broadcasting live from the Ghetto Science Team's Telecommunications Center, WGST, 107-and-a-half on your raggedy radio. You've been listening to the holiday hip-hop sounds of D.J. M-Dog's mixtape titled 'Crunk fo' Christmas.' More music is on the way, after these community announcements.
[Stiggers] Girls Gone Wild For Christmas
Jojo: "The older women in my family have a fascinating holiday tradition. Every Christmas they decorate their living room couch next to their coffee table with doll displays. Relatives, friends and visitors also admire the variety of these dolls' arrangements. My grandma's doll display is quite diverse, with dolls of many races, sizes and styles.
[Stiggers] When Kramer Cracked
Nurse Tootie: "This is your favorite nurse sitting in for Boneqweesha Jones on the Boneqweesha Report. As you all know, that Kramer dude from the sitcom 'Seinfeld' had some N-words for two African Americans while performing his comedy act at the Laugh Factory. Providing some insight on this recent incident is my third cousin Buddy McBride, author of the book 'Some White Men Can Say the N-word When They Get Really Mad at Black Folk.' Cousin, I'm anxious to hear your perspective."
[Stiggers] A Dose of Holiday Reality
Boneqweesha Jones: "It's 'Late, Late, Late Night Conversations,' the television show for insomniacs who are tired of looking at those food-processing and real-estate infomercials. My special guest is Sis. Judy McBride, representing the esteemed members of the McBride family and their new book titled 'No Crying Towels for Christmas.' Judy, that title reads more like an affirmation."
[Stiggers] Work Those Steps, Brotha Hustle
Judy McBride: "I'm guest facilitator for this week's Bootleggers Anonymous meeting. My objective today is to help individuals addicted to gaining personal income through the means of piracy or copyright infringement—or shall I say bootlegging!
[Stiggers] Legends of Chief Crazy Brotha
Miss Doodle-Mae: "As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, the staff of Gadus Discount Dollar Store and I want to share with our customers what we believe is the true meaning of Thanksgiving by presenting a brief one-man play titled 'Thanks for Giving Us Casinos and Hotels Without Reservations: A Black Indian Speaks on Thanksgiving,' featuring our resident playwright and stage actor (who claims one-third Native American ancestry) Ralph 'Chief Crazy Brotha' Wilson.
[Stiggers] Tune In, Drop Out
Broth Hustle: "Greetings, bootleg satellite dish owners! The Ghetto Science Team's telecommunications division and I have joined to provide poor folk with a new listening experience called the Broth Hustle Underground Satellite Radio Network. When the skies are clear (or your satellite dish is unobstructed by debris from your neighbors' yard or subdivision apartment), listen to high-fidelity programming such as music, news, public affairs, sports, weather, etc.
[Stiggers] Spook The Spooks
Lil' Momma Roscoe: "Since the Y2K scare, corporations, media and government have waged scare campaigns on the poor and helpless. These entities use buzz words and/or phrases like terrorism, global warming, mad cow disease, West Nile Virus, sexual enhancement medicine, contaminated spinach, etc., to spook folk into frenzied spending habits.
[Stiggers] One Giant Leap For Ghettokind
Dr. Silas P. Rathbone III: "It's a defining moment in Ghetto Science history. Two of our finest will embark on a journey where very few in the ghetto have gone before.
[Stiggers] Booty Calls On The Internet(s)
Boneqweesha Jones: "I'm back on the scene, like detectives on 'Law and Order,' with the low-down on the Internet scandal in D.C. This segment of the 'Boneqweesha Live News Hour' is titled: 'Oh, no, they didn't: Touching Moments in American Politics.'
[Stiggers] Drop It Like It's Hot For Jesus
Bruh. Sylvester: "Welcome to my art exhibit titled 'Talkin' 'Bout the Ghetto and Other Stuff,' sponsored by the Ghetto Science Team's Museum of Natural History, Science, Art, Urban Mythology and Culture. Although I'm known for my seasonal creations of 'Christmas Missing-Toe Art,' I want to share with the arts community four of my latest works.
[Stiggers] Et Tu, Popeye?
Chef "low-fat" Meat: "Distinguished members of The Illumi-nappy-headed, I'm honored to be a guest speaker for the 'What's Happenin' Now Conspiracy Convention.'
[Stiggers] How to Succeed in Bidness
Rudy McBride: "The staff of the Let Me Hold Five Dollars National Bank (L.M.H.F.D.) recognizes the potential of unemployed individuals in poor neighborhoods. We understand clearly what the good Lord, James Brown and Marva Whitney say about not using your potential: 'If you don't work, you can't eat!'
[Stiggers] Bum Education, Double-Digit Inflation
Cootie McBride: "About a week ago, I spoke at a law and order conference. After what I thought was a convincing presentation, an affluent member of high society asked me: 'What causes law-abiding people to become so lawless and angry?'
[Stiggers] You Don't Have To Take My Word For It
Readin' Rain-Bro: "Greetings, fellow readers. The producers of Readin' Rain-bro present a special program commemorating the people of the Gulf Coast as they continue to rebuild their lives after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.
[Stiggers] Broken, Busted, and Disgusted
Pookie Peterz: "Greetings members of the Ghetto Science Team Business and Economic Association! The lack of money has quenched the desires of broken, busted and disgusted individuals who sit and daydream on front porches. Fellow entrepreneurs, it's time to break the cycles of poverty and complacency.
[Stiggers] I Have A Weave
Boneqweesha Jones: "Welcome to Hair-Did University's School of Cosmetology fall semester orientation! I want to have an 'off the-cuff' chat with you.
[Stiggers] Church Pianists Gone Bad
Boneqweesha Jones: "This is Boneqweesha on the scene for Ghetto Science News, bringing you live coverage of the seizure of Crunchie Burga World by disgruntled customer and retired jazz/funk pianist 'Coal Black' Walker.
[Stiggers] Ball of Confusion!
Miss Doodle-Mae: "Greetings Jo-Jo's Discount Dollar Store customers! I'm your friendly cashier and security guard reminding financially challenged citizens about the Jo-Jo's Back-to-School Daze Sale Bonanza!
[Stiggers] Angry Young Men
Bubba Robinski: "I want to thank the Ghetto Science Television network for allowing me to have my first Bubba's Kids Back-to-School Breakfast Program Pre-Labor Day Telethon—sponsored by L.M.H.F.D. National Bank, Pork-N-Piggly Supermarket and Bubba Robinski's microwavable, soy protein sausage biscuits.
[Stiggers] Don't Feed The Natives
Ike (on a bike): "Welcome fellow cyclists to the Ghetto Science Team's Village Ghetto Land summer recreation bicycle tour—inspired by the Stevie Wonder album 'Songs in the Key of Life.'
[Stiggers] Pimp My Living Space
Ghetto Science Home and Garden Television presents "Pimp My Living Space." Join Grandma and Grandpa Pookie as they help you change your dump into a more livable dump.
[Stiggers] Smacked Like Mammy
Boneqweesha Jones: "It's time for Boneqweesha's Entertainment Tonight report! This show is not associated with the B.E.T. network. I have the exclusive audio from a brief phone conversation between Sista Star Jones and Sis Condoleezza Rice.
[Stiggers] In My Beautiful Balloon
Judy McBride: "Welcome to the first meeting of the Ghetto Science Community Center's gripe, moan and complain (GMC) focus group. I've established this focus group for individuals who are close to the edge, and trying not to lose their heads in this wilderness. As a psychologist, I've realized that living in today's society is like a jungle, sometimes. And it makes me wonder how a person avoids going under.
[Stiggers] The Pied Pipers of Crime Control
Jethro "Drum Stick" Johnson and Martin "Blue Note" Smith of the Ghetto Science Team Crime Prevention Association propose a new crime prevention program.
[Stiggers] One Mo' Time
Mo'tel Williams, Brotha Hustle, Qweem-O-Wheat and Grandpa Pookie introduce the "Po' People's Diet"—a nutrition and lifestyle alternative for the financially challenged.
[Stiggers] Have No Fear, Suburbanites!
"High prices have crippled fixed incomes of broke people. Poor folk clench on to the little money they have and remain trapped in the ghetto. Idle minds of the poor and unemployed retaliate with desperate deeds against their own community. No money, no fun, no adventure, no justice, no peace.
[Stiggers] Koolin' Out
Kunta "Rahsheed X" Toby Productions presents a sneak peek at his new dramatic comedy that will touch your mind and not your behind: "My Big Fat Meat Front Porch Wedding, Barbecue and Disco."
[Stiggers] High Livin' In The Ghetto
Brutha Hustle's Mobile Bill Payment Center presents Open-Air Kultural Theater—a very pleasant way to pay your bills while becoming more enlightened, informed and entertained. And he has plenty of Juicy-Juice on ice for the kids.
[Stiggers] Partly Cloudy, Definitely Funky
Grandma Pookie: "Welcome to the George Washington Carver Holistic Health Commission of Tuskegee, Ala., national report–brought to you by the Ghetto Science Team's Church Fan Energy Initiative.
[Stiggers] That's the Truth, Ruth
Still Bill the Funk Doctor: "Eee-Diddy-Eye! Oooh, I'm joggin', and back on the scene with the record machine. This is D.J. Ol' Skool Pete's mentor, the king of throw-back, ain't cuttin' no slack. Just call me 'Still Bill the Funk Doctor,' the undisputed heavy-weight disc jockey broadcasting live from Clubb Chicken Wing, via the airwaves of WGSR—Ghetto Science Radio.