[Stiggers] Momma's Mad
Mr. Announcer: "In the ghetto criminal justice system, the people are represented mostly by two members of the McBride family: Dudley 'Do-Right' McBride, and attorney Cootie McBride of the law firm McBride, Myself and I. This is their story."
[Stiggers] Health Care a la Mode
Boneqweesha Jones: "It's 'Qweesha 2009 TV, the show with news and views you should use in your critical thinking process. My guest is Chef Low Fat Meat, the Galloping Gourmet of the Ghetto Science Team. He's on a mission for the common people and health-care reform in America."
[Stiggers] Aunt Tee Tee, Certified Geek
TaaQweema Jenkins: "Welcome to the final segment of the Ghetto Science Team Public Television special program reviewing of the inspirational documentary titled 'L.O.M.O.: The Life Time Achievement of Aunt Tee Tee Hustle, IT Guru,' produced by Hustle Family Productions."
[Stiggers] A Dream Deferred
Miss Doodle Mae: "Greetings, shoppers! Jojo asked me to be his spokesperson for a new program called 'Working It Out' at Jojo's Discount Dollar Store. This program is for a growing population of new workers called senior citizens.
[Stiggers] You Lie!
Boneqweesha Jones: "Welcome to the motivational portion of Hair Did University's fall semester orientation. Our guest speaker is Smokey 'Robinson' McBride, representative of Ghetto Science Team District No. 1042 and 2/8."
[Stiggers] White Backlash Blues
Boneqweesha Jones: "Welcome to Ghetto Science Television's special report titled 'What's Up with Operation White Backlash?'"
[Stiggers] Of Fear and Hope
Miss Doodle-Mae: "Looks like this summer is just another memory. And what a time it wasa period of anxiety, fear, hatred, and doubt mixed with hope, perseverance and patience.
[Stiggers] Funky Vibes
Brotha Hustle: "Aunt Tee Tee and I are back on the scene with our refurbished mini-DVD camcorder, portable work light and high-powered parabolic boom mic.
[Stiggers] Anger and Spite
Bone-Qweesha Jones: "In this summer's political climate, what's hotter than July? The answer is: August, baby! And the nation is sizzling in a debate over health-care reform.
[Stiggers] Packing Heat for Health Care
Nurse Tootie McBride: "Greetings counter protesters! We're gathered today to counteract the anti-health-reform folk who disturb the politicians at the town-hall meetings."
[Stiggers] No More Foolishness
Boneqweesha Jones: "Welcome to Boneqweesha Jones' Journal. My guest is Judy McBride, psychologist and author of a new book titled 'Coexisting in a Society of Race and Class,' with illustrations by Brother Sylvester, missing toe artist.
[Stiggers] Rewriting Ghetto History
Welcome to another reader's guide to Ken Stiggers. My last reader's guide (published April 22, 2009) explained the term "Ghetto Science Team."
[Stiggers] Public Option Pledge
Smokey "Robinson" McBride: "Welcome to the Ghetto Science Team's Public Option Healthcare Rally, Picnic and Disco. It looks like change has opened Pandora's box of hypocrisy, seasoned with bigotry and intolerance."
[Stiggers] Complexion Vexation
Mr. Announcement: "In the ghetto criminal justice system, the people are represented by three members of the McBride family: Dudley 'Do-Right' McBride, Nurse Tootie McBride, and attorney Cootie McBride of the law firm McBride, Myself and I.
[Stiggers] A New Work Force
BoneQweesha Jones: "I know that pink slip was a hard pill to swallow. Six months later, the anxiety and stress of landing a decent job in this economy has forced you to question yourself."
[Stiggers] Gone But Not Forgotten
Miss Doodle Mae: "It's been a very rough couple of weeks for the staff of Jojo's Discount Dollar Store. The people we have known, respected and honored are gone.
[Stiggers] Get on the Bus
Congressman Smokey "Robinson" McBride: "Despite reports of a world economic downturn, political unrest in Iran, pop celebrities ridiculing and beating up each other, and the divorce of John and Kate plus Eight, the citizens of the Ghetto Science community continue to progress in these unusual times."
[Stiggers] Converter-Box Conspiracy
Brotha Hustle: "Ghetto Science Television presents the premiere post-digital transition edition of "The Hustle Report." It's been one week since the digital television transition deadline. Did you get your analog-to-digital converter box, yet?
[Stiggers] Hypocritical Health Care
Nurse Tootie McBride: "What happens when a financially challenged individual without health insurance needs immediate medical attention for a large knot on the forehead?"
[Stiggers] Blame a Black Man
Mr. Announcement: "In the ghetto criminal justice system the people are represented by associate-in-training Sista Encouragement and two members of the McBride family: police officer and part-time security guard at the Funky Ghetto Mall, Dudley 'Do-Right' McBride, and attorney Cootie McBride of the law firm McBride, Myself and I. This is their story."
[Stiggers] The New GM
"It's Rev. Cletus Car Sales Church radio broadcast, live and in listening color! Before I begin with the show, I must do a couple of shameless plugs. I want to inform everyone that a new GM car dealership is in town. Don't worry; it's not a bankrupt General Motors transformed into Government Motors. It's the beginning of Ghetto Motors: home of the affordable and green hybrid hoopty.
[Stiggers] Hot Fun in the Sun
Momma Roscoe: "While enduring this time of economic gloom, Big Roscoe and I concluded that the recession will teach us all how to be thankful, resourceful and careful this summer."
[Stiggers] Y'all Mart Hookup
Brotha Hustle: "Aunt Tee Tee pitched a great idea for our Ghetto Science Tube viral video show: videotape men and women hooking up for a date while shopping at the local suburban Y'all Mart.
[Stiggers] Enduring Money Stress
Rudy McBride: "Many of my loyal customers are concerned about how the Let Me Hold Five Dollars National Bank will hold up under the U.S. government and Ghetto Science Team's economic stress tests."
[Stiggers] Fighting the Pig Cooties
Boneqweesha Jones: "This is your 'Qweesha '09 special report and news brief. Dr. Peanut of the George Washington Carver Holistic Health Commission of Tuskegee, Ala., has informed me that a pig in Mexico has the cooties, and people have gotten really sick.
[Stiggers] Dear Jackson Free Press Readership
As of today I am relocating to Atlanta to help take care of my mother, Mrs. Ruby Stiggers. This is something I must do because for many years "Miss Ruby" cared for me. She supported me in everything I ever did—high school, college, career choices and even living in Mississippi. She never judged or criticized me harshly; she just loved, prayed and encouraged me consistently.
[Stiggers] Thin Line Between Love and Hate
Mo'tel Williams: "It's the showdown round of Negro-Rigged Jeopardy! Contestants are anxious to answer questions in the category 'African Americans: Love or Hate.' First question:
[Stiggers] Somebody's Watching Me
Crunchie Burga World CEO: "Welcome fellow Crunchie Burga World employees to a farewell banquet honoring the hard work and dedication of Miss Wanda, our beloved part-time senior greeter and fry cook, who will retire this week.
[Stiggers] Somebody's Watching Me
Grandpa Pookie: "Welcome to the first annual Ghetto Neighborhood Safety Fair, Picnic and Disco—organized by the Ghetto Science Team Neighborhood Protection Agency, Aunt Tee Tee Hustle, Nurse Tootie McBride, Senior Ladies in Church Hats and Senior Men in Church Suits.
[Stiggers] Common Trauma Ward
Judy McBride: "Allow me to provide you with a glimpse of mental-health conditions seldom recognized by the general public. Let's take a brief journey through Ward 6 and 3/5, also known as 'Almost 7.'
[Stiggers] Strange Jena Fruit
Boneqweesha Jones: "W.E.B. DuBois, a great educator and one of the founders of the NAACP, said that the problem of the 20th century is the color line. Well, Mr. DuBois, it seems as if the issues and problems of racial intolerance have rolled over into the 21st century like unused cell-phone minutes, especially in towns like Germantown, Tenn., and Jena, La.
[Stiggers] Slow-Moving Targets
Qweem-O-Wheat: "For quite some time, with my faithful truck, a big old hot pot and plenty of Qweem-O-Wheat, I've fed thousands of senior citizens hot qweemy bowls of dee-wishious Qweem-O-Wheat through my 'meals-on-wheels' service. While delivering a hot, qweemy treat to Grandma Pookie, she whispered: 'Boy, nothing in life is free—even when you get old like me.' Her statement made me realize that our senior citizens have become vulnerable, slow-moving targets for folk who want to beat down elderly people and take their hard-earned money.
[Stiggers] The Art of Restroom Justice
Cootie McBride: "Recently several public officials, like Senator Craig, have had some misunderstandings with police officers in public restrooms. It seems as if Big Brother has lengthened his arm of law enforcement from the streets to the toilet seats. Now that the crap has hit the fan regarding this issue, I want to provide some practical tips to fellow public servants and everyday working people.
[Stiggers] Tastefully Ghetto Catwalk
Mr. Announcement: "It's the First Annual Tastefully Ghetto Fashion Extravaganza, located on aisle three of JoJo's Discount Dollar Store. Your commentator is cashier and part-time security guard, Miss Doodle Mae Jenkins."
[Stiggers] Welcome to Silicon Ghetto
Boneqweesha Jones: "In the world of home entertainment, consumers pay $300 to $500 for a brand new Blue Ray or High Definition DVD player. In the ghetto, financially challenged consumers pay $300 to $500 a month for an entertainment center—complete with wide-screen TV, DVD/CD player, and 'Bumpin' Bass' speakers—from a 'Rent to Own with Your Own Money' store.
[Stiggers] Theory of Gougenomics
Boneqweesha Jones: "Welcome to the Hair-Did University School of Cosmetology's Summer Lecture Series, at the Club Chicken Wing Multi-Purpose Community Development Complex. The guest speaker is Dr. Otis 'Nickel-N-Dime' Wilson of the Ghetto Science Team's Economic Development Council."
[Stiggers] Nurse Tootie, Private Eye
Cootie McBride: "The Ghetto Science National Broadcasting Corporation Network presents the premiere of 'To Catch a Predator Who Takes Advantage of Senior Citizens, Racial Minorities, Poor Folk and the Uneducated'. The McBride family and I produced this television program to alert unsuspecting and financially disadvantaged consumers about how they can be deceived and tricked out of their money and possessions. In other words, we're 'Big Brotha' ghetto style.
[Stiggers] Le Tour de Ghetto
Bart Starr-Child: "Welcome to the fourth annual low-power television broadcast of the Tour de Ghetto bicycle race. I'm Bart, your token Caucasian announcer for the Ghetto Science Team Sports Network. Providing the colored commentary is Ike "On a Bike" of Village Ghetto Land Tours and Courier Services.
[Stiggers] A Terrible Thing
Brotha Hustle: "Welcome to the grand opening of the United Ghetto Science University, Vocational School and Community College Fund headquarters, located at the new Clubb Chicken Wing business complex.
[Stiggers] Eatin' Green with Rev. Vegan
Mr. Announcement: "Welcome to 'Planting Seeds of Thought' with Rev. Vegan of the Vegetarian Church International. This program is brought to you by Scooter Libby's Freedom Juice: If it says 'Libby' on the label, you're pardoned and free to go! Ghetto Science Radio presents the vegetarian preacher, Rev. I.M. Vegan."
[Stiggers] Captain Cutback Strikes Again
Mr. Announcement: "He's faster than a job outsourced overseas, more powerful than a mass firing, able to leap over a crowd of disgruntled, downsized middle-class workers in a single bound. Look, in the board room! It's a callous CEO! It's a pink slip! No, it's Captain Cutback and his sidekick Price Gouger.
[Stiggers] A 'Sicko' Nation
Mr. Announcement: "On this episode of 'All God's Churn Got Shoes,' Nurse Tootie McBride and her certified nursing assistant, Nurse Tasha, are determined to beat down poverty in the ghetto. To complete this monumental task, they need a loan from Rudy McBride, president of Let Me Hold Five Dollars National Bank. But first, Tootie and Tasha must convince Rudy to loan them 'da money.'"
[Stiggers] It's a Long Way Down
Philmo Jones: "When I lost my good-paying corporate job, after the Twin Towers fell on Sept. 11, a series of unfortunate events changed my life.
[Stiggers] Look Out, David Hasselhoff!
Boneqweesha Jones: "As day transitions into night, a young 'brotha' rides the mean streets of his neighborhood. With dutiful purpose, he pumps the pedals of a pink five-speed banana-seat bicycle.
[Stiggers] Dig Deep
Ernest "Monday Night Football Head" Walker: "It looks like U.S. troops will be overseas a little while longer. Meanwhile, questions that reflect uncertainty loom in the thoughts of wondering poor and middle-class families. How will you pay the rent when the government is slow with the check, especially after your loved one returns home? The price of gasoline is high, and you ask why, as the children cry, because you can't drive to the grocery store to buy milk and cereal. I know; it's a sad-case scenario. Nevertheless, Brotha Hustle and I have an idea to eliminate the people's depressed and despondent thoughts."
[Stiggers] Stuck Like Chuck
Taaqweema Jenkins: "This is a Ghetto Science Team Television Network pre-Memorial Day news flash. In the wake of the gas price increase, The Sausage Sandwich Sisters (International Electric Slide Ambassadors for World Peace and Rent Money) will have a Memorial Day Electric Slide Protest Rally for World Peace and Gas Money. Here to speak on behalf of the Sausage Sandwich Sisters is Mo'tel Williams, super producer and board member of the Hair Did University Cold Wave, Pomade and Jheri Curl Council."
[Stiggers] Ghetto-Made
Bonqweesha Jones: "It's your favorite on-the-scene reporter, giving you the 411 on the low down faster than you can say 'War Czar!' I'm here with Bruh Sylvester, the controversial Christmas Missin' Toe artist, to talk about his new art exhibit titled 'Ghetto Dada Drama.'
[Stiggers] It's A Mad Crunchie World
Mr. Announcement: "Gasoline climbs to $3 per gallon. American soldiers remain in limbo and at war. Frustrated males go on shooting rampages. The chemical called melamine contaminates our food supply of pork, chicken and fish. Amidst all of this uncertainty, American consumers still make routine midday pilgrimages to fast-food restaurants.
[Stiggers] Booty-Gate and the Mystery Pol
Mr. Announcement: "On this episode of 'All God's Churn Got Shoes,' the deputy secretary of state's mishap has inspired the 'hypocrisy division' of the Ladies in Church Hats, Union 203 and 7/8, to conduct an audio/video surveillance mission, across the street from Madame T.J. Hooka's Booty Reportin' for Duty Erotic Fantasy Escort Service. The Ladies in Church Hats have set up their surveillance equipment inside an abandoned church bus. They call this assignment 'Mission Hypocritical—Code Name Booty-Gate.'
[Stiggers] Sticks and Stones
Aunt Tee Tee Hustle: "The way I see things these days is that people live in critical times where critical people criticize with critically destructive words and actions.