[Braden] Do You Care?
Young people in Jackson are grieving this week- but you didn't see the reason for their grief on the breaking news when we lost another student to violence. In fact, all news sources in Jackson reported different information, and they asked questions that they probably won't bother to follow up on for the answers. Young people know their day-to-day world doesn't make breaking news.
[Braden] Conversations With (28-plus) Women
Conversations with my two best girlfriends occur while we wait in the drive-thru line for a Diet Coke, during our new baby girl's nap time (we have an 8-month-old in our mix now) or when we are rushing through our grocery shopping. We have accepted this reality, as we are now all older than 28, and have also submitted to the sad fact that our once-profound wisdom has been simplified into Forrest Gump-isms: Life is like a box of chocolates, and sometimes there is sh*t in them.
So Are We Talking About Banner and Congressional Hearings?
http://www.inform.com/related_content/41825157,0
David, we love you, but you are wrong about this one. Even if you're music is a representation of society, it sure would be nice for a strong man from around these parts to say that how we treat our women is NOT cool.
The $176 Million Dollar Hymen
"WASHINGTON - Students who participated in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex a few years later as those who did not, according to a long-awaited study mandated by Congress.
Dignity-Rutgers Team on Oprah Today
Of course I have more to say, but in my busy chick world, for now I only have to say it's time. It's time to use that repressed energy to let folks know it's enough. We don't have to live in a world where pop culture defines them with degrading language. We don't have to live in a world where our sons learn to tear women down to build themselves up. We don't have to be quiet and just accept that our society is what it is, because it's not.
[Chickdom] Exactly Where We Ought to Be
Life had become overwhelming. I truly believed the children had fed my cleverness to the cat, which explained why the cat puked on my Swiffer every day for a solid week. I mean, a cat has to have boundaries, and Jack could only take so much of my singing and talking to him as if he was human before he dropped his cookies on the only clean surface in the kitchen. The solitude of motherhood had gotten to me.
Polishing Southern Tarnish
Well, I declare. Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays must have my double-first-name aunts on speed dial for their second offering...
Dads and Purity Balls-Respect My Authortay!
I've sat on this one too long. Feministing has blogged about the ickiness of the Purity Ball for a while now, and this one is quite the ickiest.
Singing Without Shame
Jill Conner Browne, The Sweet Potato Queen, and I are pulling thick wires out of glittered sweet potatoes on a farm in Clinton. Inside a barn, two Sweet Potato Queens, two Spud Studs and the Head SPQ Wannabe are diligently painting, glittering and prettying up the Official Parade Float for the 25th Annual Mal's St. Patrick's Day Parade. A hospital in Arkansas has given Jill a throne, which sparkles with obvious adoration and appreciation, to place on this year's float. If you've heard Jill Conner Browne speak, or know her at all, you can appreciate this token of affection. Jill says she "brings Jesus to folks who cuss like sailors," and she ceaselessly travels to tell others to "Do what makes your heart sing." She is the thinking and laughing woman's Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer.
[Chick] Hands Off My ‘You Know'
As Eve Ensler, author of "The Vagina Monologues," would say, I come from "down there" people. Actually, I come from "you know" people. That was our whispered code for vagina, penis, uterus, buttocks and even pregnancy. When I was young, I did not know, but who was I to ask my mother? I'm still not sure she knows.
Princess for President
Last week I spoke to fifth-grade girls about my career as a writer. Seems like just another day at the elementary school, except I'm a woman speaking to a gender-separated classroom where "no boys allowed" provides for more open dialogue. I was frightened.
Having It All; You're Doing It Wrong
I'm watching Oprah; the Princess is having a lemon tea and watching with me. Oprah asks her audience, "Can you have it all?" Can you have a career and a family and a self all at once? Elizabeth Vargas, who left the evening news during her second pregnancy, admitted that she felt constantly torn. I applaud her courage to make that decision, for what is best for HER, while the world watches and the National Organization of Women, and others, frowned upon her decision.
Sweet Potato Queen's First Big Ass Novel Signing and Reading TODAY!
Jill signs at five, and she reads at 5:30.
Jill Conner Browne will kick off the Big Ass Bus Tour today with her first stop, of course, at Lemuria. This is the "Sweet Potato Queen's First Big-Ass Novel: Stuff We Didn't Actually Do, But Could Have and Might Still Yet" written with Karin Gillespie.
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
I've been saving up for this one. One, Vanity Fair owes us an apology OR a rebuttal. Two, Christopher Hitchens's picture looks like a mustached woman waiting for her bread to rise. Now we know that there is nothing more insulting to a man than to allude him as a woman. That is why I feel comfortable calling this columnist a pussy. Here's why.
[Braden] Absolutely Perfect 2006
I've decided to send this yankeefied newsletter as proof that we are not an agoraphobic family—we just don't like spending time with folks who don't really want to spend time with us, either. My new husband has informed me that writing everyone a letter outlining everything we've done this year, hobbies we have taken a liking to and other personal information that you probably don't want to know, will suffice in place of any actual familial communication regarding 2006. This socially accepted tradition demonstrates exactly why I don't care for Yankees, and I would like to immediately apologize for offending any aunt with two first names. Yes ma'am; I was raised better than this.
Cooking with Feminists
Fonda and Steinem explain the concept, and the need, for NON argument talk radio. Love them.
I only have time to say I LOVE it. Finally some women on Colbert. Now let's get more on The Daily Show.
Decking the Halls in a Blender; Share Your Traditions!
Mr. Steam Jeans and I are spending our first Christmas together with our "blended" family. The Monkey is nine; the Princess is ten, so we have about a decade of tradition to combine. Then there's the fact that he's Yankee, which is another story for another day. He says he's Californian, but I'm not splitting hairs on that one. He's a Yankee, and a Yankee does not know a southern Christmas.
It's Fruitcake Weather! RIP: Marie Rudisill
Click below and pay no attention to the dark-haired yankee. Bless his heart; Jay Leno did NOT understand the greatness that was Marie Rudisill. Notice he calls her the character from "The Christmas Story." She is NOT the Bumpess Dogs you nimrod! She's Marie Rudisill, aunt to Truman Capote and rumored the distant cousin in "A Christmas MEMORY"; she and Truman both also have storied appearances in Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird."
Do It For Your Country
There are certain holiday essentials. One such essential: eggnog. And you simply can't have eggnog without alcohol. Now, that's a holiday essential.
Letter from Jesus
Monkey and Koncha
Like I've said before, the holidays are not a good time for me and I'm prone to scrooginess since my family is not so close to me anymore. I can be a big whiney titty baby.
Ripa Vs. Aiken
We are all made of stars.
Fine. I admit it. I watched Regis and Kelly and The View. I'm drawn to celebrity feud like Godiva and Elvis Merlot. It makes me laugh, it humbles me and it makes me feel like I'm a celebrity too since we all screw up sometimes.
But What Would Jesus SAY?
Marines just say no to Jesus dolls in Toys for Tots Drive.
True to Our Authentic Selves-Women and Radio
Who knew that Gloria and Jane would create a media that my husband adores? Not those tauting the "feminazi" rhetoric for sure. He came home a few weeks ago raving over a station he's been listening to, and he thinks I'll love it too. Well, duh. I've been listening online since July, but now I can listen on 780 AM in the car. I have to say he's preferring this talk radio to the usual agenda-driven choices.
[Halloween Special] Smell My Feet
OK, rule one: Never, ever teach this chant to a school-age boy, especially of the Monkey persuasion. Yeah, it makes you feel like "cool mom" for a moment, but repetition soon makes one feel like "I'm going to take that whole bag of sugar and stick it in your pumpkin if you don't stop it now" mom. Being the cool—while somewhat neurotic—mother that I am, I decided to take advantage of the "No Halloween on a Melton School Night" decree and allow the Monkey the chance to trick-or-treat on a Saturday night.
Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty!
D.C. might have found the answer to world peace, the desire for more intimacy and the Hug for Frank's Monkey.
[Chickdom] The Gift That Keeps On Giving
We Southern women are quite particular about love and marriage, particularly weddings. As little girls, we have our china patterns chosen, as well as the dress, church, colors and cake. It is the realization of all our dreams, and yet amidst all the formalities, our bridal announcements do not include fill-in-the-blanks for that one rite of passage that rebukes all previous Victorian decorum. I'm talking about the part of the celebration where the virginal, blushing bride gets a vibrator.
[MomDom] Of A Lovely Lady
Here's a story. Of a chick named Emily. Who got proposed to not too very long ago! And the best part is, I'm not pregnant!
[Chick] Confessions of A Wannabe Wannabe
This column was published in March 2005. We bring it back forward in honor of St. Paddy's Day 2006—also known as The Chick Invasion. Enjoy.
[Chick] Quack! Quack!
It all started in October, when I became the Hunchback of Noter Damn. After my back went wonky while doing laundry, MRI results showed Degenerative Disk Disease, and there's not a damn thing to be done for it. While I would like a prescription for no laundry, clothes get dirty. Also, Monkey insists that I feed him and clothe him and provide medical care, which requires working a full-time job. To tell the truth, I really don't have time for chronic back pain.
Michael Robinson
Michael Robinson, 31, is wearing a t-shirt that says, "I Love Myself," when I interview him. "Born and bred" in Jackson, Robinson sharpened his public speaking skills at Murrah High School on the rap team, then went on to Mississippi Valley State University for a degree in music education. He developed a passion for outreach, education and compassion.
[Chick] We're That Good
My boyfriend said the most disturbing thing on our way to Hooter's. He said, "You and MF can't make a mockery of my Corvette." Are you kidding me? Now tell me that doesn't sound like a challenge. My best friend MF and I can make a mockery of anything, including but not limited to Corvettes, Hooters, each other, ourselves and everyone around us. We're that good.
Jackie Bell
Jackie Bell, 43, steps out of a little red two-seater, and I'm jealous of her legs. I briefly recall my inferiority when Miss Bell called me on stage during a charity fund raiser, and all of Jackson saw me dance like a white Baptist girl next to her trained-ballerina self. Then she said I don't look more than 25, and I forgave her and loved her more. Today she hugs me like she just saw me yesterday, but is so glad to see me again. Suddenly I feel like the leggiest woman in the world. See, that's what Jackie Bell does. She sings like her back ain't got no bone, and she makes you think you can, too.
[Chick] Your Racism Is Not Wanted
I don't know about y'all, but the Monkey and I were needing some Jesus real bad this last week, so we got ourselves to church even though I was very uncertain about the message we might receive. Chalk it up to a rural Southern Baptist upbringing, but I for one was not up for the wrath of God sermon if you know what I mean. Our family was thirsty for some hope and for a place to direct some helpless energy.
[Chick] Oh, Snap
"Oh, snap!" That's what Monkey said when he realized he was going to miss a barbecue while with his dad at the beach. I was both shocked and amused. "Did you just say snap?"
[Chick] Tankini Hell
First of all, I had every intention of boycotting the swimsuit industry this year. No, I was not going to be that chick you see at the public pool wearing gym clothes in the water. (By the way, if she's not going to suit up, she could at least get some band-aids. I'm just saying.) I spent big bucks on a suit last year that covers what needs to be covered and accentuates the few good things I've got going for myself.
[Chick] She Is My Business
I think most of us women have had that friend at some point, and if you don't remember that friend, then I bet you were that friend. That friend was the one girl we really, really wanted to be. She made us laugh. She retained our confidences. She was strikingly beautiful and fiercely loyal, and we envied her just a bit, but loved her even more.
[Chick] Screw Miss America
Screw Miss America. I apologize for my bluntness, but I think I have an abusive relationship with the Miss America Pageant. When my college roommate was a pageant girl, I supported her and clapped for her and sent her flowers, but deep down I wished she would just shut up and eat something. I thought Samantha was pretty fabulous all on her own—with or without swimsuit glue—but she just lived for pageants.
[Chick] Teaching Monkey the Birds and the Bees
Eight years into it, and I'm still allowed to be a mother. I can't believe it. What kind of decision-maker approves me as a fit mother? Oh, that's right. God. God gave me this child. I'm sure this is when someone should throw the "God has a sense of humor" cliche' into the situation. "Dear God, can I please, please, please complete a thought today without interruption? Yes, I'm thankful for Monkey and all, but I really think I was supposed to get a quieter one. I mean all my life, I had said that I would have a better behaved child than everyone else. Remember?
[Chick] Teaching Monkey The Birds And The Bees
Eight years into it, and I'm still allowed to be a mother. I can't believe it. What kind of decision-maker approves me as a fit mother? Oh, that's right. God. God gave me this child. I'm sure this is when someone should throw the "God has a sense of humor" cliche' into the situation.
The World of Queendom: A Primer
So you wannabe a wannabe. Congratulations. By inviting the spirit of the Sweet Potato Queens into your heart, you have committed yourself to a lifetime of fun and laughter and "unbridled joy." Gone are the days of self-pity, purposelessness and overall indecisiveness. From this moment on, all decisions in life should be approached with this one question, "What will I wish I'd have done when I'm older?"
[Chick] Can Men Measure Up To Chick Flicks?
My friend Cowboy and I watched "Hitch" by accident, which is OK because I burned some calories laughing, but I honestly thought it was going to be a boy movie, along the lines of "Lethal Weapon." Nope. I made Cowboy see a chick flick. Oops.
[Chick] ‘Rocky' For The Single Girl
I swear I have some intellectual rights as someone clearly stole my hang-ups when creating the Ally McBeal character. You may remember back in her day when she searched for a theme song to keep her focused, lift her spirits and perhaps even ease some neurosis. Yep. I had theme music long before Ally was dancing with computerized babies. Someone owes me money.
[Chick] The Baptist and The Feminist
One of my most difficult struggles as a Christian involves feminism. There. I said it. I'm a feminist. No, I don't wear combat boots, and yes, I love men like crazy. LOVE men. Wouldn't life be much simpler if I didn't? However, the exploitation of women's sexuality and the glaring double standard women battle every day deserve commentary even in 2005. The Equal Rights Amendment still lacks ratification, and I'd be a liar to say I think that's OK. And you thought my last column would ruin my dating chances.
[Chick] How Not To Dump A Guy
I feel that writing a "chick" column has not ruined my dating life quite enough, so I have thus pursued the answer to yet another post-divorce dating question: How do women dump men now?
[Chick] Monkey and Koncha
Up until, well, this week, I've been disguising a huge secret. It was a secret that could very well have affected my career and even further alienated my family (ha!), but my friends called me on this small character flaw and patiently worked me through it. Or maybe they just planned on avoiding me until January.
[Chick] If We Are the Body
I finally joined my Baptist church after two-and-a-half years of attendance. I can't believe that they would let such a slacker claim membership, but they are, and now I'm dreading the moment my mug is plastered on the jumbotrons to announce my arrival. Yes, we have jumbotrons. I don't know if Jesus would have them or not, but I do know that he's about the only person I would give up my vanity for. I'm telling you, this picture is hideous.
[Chick] ‘It Ain't Me'
Praise the Lord, Jill is No. 1! Again, The New York Times confirms what we all know anyway: Southerners are the best darn writers on the planet. Now, Jill Conner Browne will try to tell you that the Sweet Potato Queens canon is not literature, but any intelligent, fun-loving woman in the South, or the world for that matter, begs to differ. If "Make me laugh and buy me sparkly things, and I am yours" isn't a timeless and cultural universal, I don't know what is. Hence, literature. I know I'm right about this.
[Chick] A Single Girl Shows Her Hand
Dating can be a pain in the butt. Dates don't call back. Or they do call back and call too often. Or they have commitment issues. Or they bore your pants off. Or they try to get your pants off on a first date. Or they suck at Pub Quiz. Or they drink cheap wine. Or they kiss like a goldfish.
[Chick] Monkey See, Monkey Do
It's true that all those horrible things you did to your mother will come back to haunt you. I hate it as much as you, believe me. There is nothing more obnoxious than a sanctimonious mother telling a daughter, or son, all the horrible things said mother endured for her child and how all those things will very soon come to pass as some type of divine, maternal retribution to tell the daughter, or son, "I told you so!"
[Chick] I Think Smitten, I Think Smite
Once upon a time in the Best of the New South lived a fair peasant woman inside a shoe. She had a son who yelled "Never wear panties to a party!" to the Baptist minister. She had her dog Zeke who discarded enough hair in her home to stuff a comforter and choke all guests. She had bills to pay and promises to keep and miles to go before she could sleep, but she had cute shoes, good music and great wine. And it was good.
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