Ellington

Emotions are interesting things. Because I am a therapist and ultimately a huge nerd, I spend at least three hours a day explicating mine. Due to this, if you cut in front of me in line, I will tell you this makes me angry. This is because in the second grade, a nun at my elementary school thought I struck a child while waiting in line and made me go to the back. I hadn't hit the other little girl, and I always felt powerless when I thought about that situation. As with most other humans, feelings of powerlessness in situations lead me to get angry.

Now, that's not particularly useful information when it comes to daily social interactions. Other than being able to defuse a lot of situations that normally would cause other people to have emotional outbursts, there is no great demand for emotional honesty in the world today.

I used to tell people I refused to take part in the surface social niceties from which I felt most of the South suffered. Answering "Great!" after being asked how I was doing when I really had a mean sinus infection and some strange itchy insect bite on my ankle induced great ire inside of me. This anger was cumulative and eventually led to a social outburst where I decided to tell someone how I really was "doing." Other than being extremely embarrassing to my friends, I realized it had been extremely disrespectful to the unsuspecting manner-having inquirer.

I went for a while when I couldn't decide if I should just go about the answering of socially moot questions, or remain a conscientious objector and deflect them with humor, or some other "thought-provoking" sentence. When I came to understand "what exactly do you mean by 'doing'?" wasn't really as much thought-provoking as it was annoying, I decided it was time to buck up and come to some sort of final answer.

To me, surface social inquiries are right up there with the dances most people have to do in their life between "what they really want to do" and "what they are allowed to do by the social systems of which they are a part." See, I get a lot of leeway with my responses to people because I'm not a partner to many constricting social systems. I have no children, no husband. I don't have to weigh certain things I say and do against their effect on people to which I have a commitment. My mama told me she was going to love me no matter what I did. This makes life fun for me.

I used to get angry because I didn't understand why other people couldn't be as free as I when it came to opinion-stating and boundary-placing. Not that I don't realize I'm holding enough for everyone, but I do realize that for the most part other people aren't as free flowing with their exact thoughts concerning ... well, everything. Now, I think I might have figured a small piece of it out. Forgive me for being so slow, but it has come to my attention recently that most people just want to make everyone happy, and want the same in return.

Now, I understand this. Being happy is really awesome. I try to be happy as much as I can. I try to put this happiness into both "what I really want to do," and "what the social systems of which I am a part" allow me to do. See, I have found that even I am not immune to constricting my opinions because of social commitments.

As I get older, and understand human politics, I begin to realize why the System of Happiness seems to be the "fall back" onto which most Southerners land. It makes things easier. Southern life is easier because we make sure that everyone thinks we are happy most of the time.

The main problem I have with that is the fact that it only allows for one emotion. Happiness. Unfortunately, the dances that most people do around others in their life often contain a spectrum of emotions that are never quite recognized in our daily interactions. These emotions include shame, sadness, apathy, and the most hated of all Southern emotions, anger. In denying these in our relationships, we deny the fact that a person is a whole being. One that has more things to feel than "happy," more ways to be doing than "fine."

How could I be happy if no one would then allow me to be sad? It seemed to be the same stomping out of undesirable emotions my parents used to support when they told me to "smile" the times I was upset while growing up. The small child inside me used to stomp her feet and scream, "I will be happy. Just let me cry for my lost barrette first."

I debated the idea for a few weeks and realized that it was not the embracement of The Happy that I was rebelling against so much, but the denial of any other emotion. After this realization, the dancing in my relationships with other Happy People became much easier. I flowed and dipped instead of slipped and stomped on toes. I realized that I could be happy. But, when I asked someone "How are you doing today?" I could also be ready to hear any answer they had to hand me.

It isn't the fact that I don't want to know "how you are doing?"—it is the fact that I wish for people to trust me enough to provide an honest answer to the question in return.

Don't tell my Mama, but I think I may have just found my Southern Manners.

Ali Greggs is a Jackson social worker and regular JFP columnist.

Previous Comments

ID

70789

Comment

You are either young or the world's most wonderful person if you really want to know how most people honestly feel. I hope you can stay this way since you are a social worker. I met a preacher once who said he learned to be careful who he asked how they were doing after one congregant answered him each time by saying "I liked to died last night." Another preacher reportedly got so tired of a member complaining to him about her feelings that he wrote her a letter saying he needed some space. As a final note he told her she was free to worship idol or false creators and everything; just leave him along. Hopefully, the Good Lord will forgive me for repeating the last sentence. Your article is intereting to say the least. We wear the mask. I suspect you will one day say - thank God we do.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-09-26T14:15:18-06:00

ID

70790

Comment

I am BOTH young AND the world's most wonderful person. ;) To tell you the truth, I had no idea why I wrote this column. I had a point, then I wasn't really "feeling" it. Most of the time I know what I"m going for....here, I had the idea...it fleshed out alright...then I kinda "lost" it. Sometimes it happens. :) But, last Friday I figured out why the column was "birthed". My mother is a therapist as well. Two weeks ago in a therapy group she facilitates they had a discussion about mother/daughter relationships. My mom spilled the beans about me being a writer. So, last week, in their last official "group" before my mother changed jobs (sshe had really been torn up about leaving her "girls") one of the girls read this column out loud...when they got to the part about me saying "my mama said she was gonna love me no matter what"...they 'awwweed" and my mother cried. (she had no idea at the time that this column was out). They then had a group centering around the idea of "honoring all emotions". It was a good memory for her to have after being in that job for a decade. I understood why I put the column into the world, then. This one was for Mom, and southern women EVERY WHERE who have been told to "smile" when the LAST thing they wanted to do was "smile". I don't think we realize what damage we do to our females by denying the fact they have the right to be angry. (and YES, to everyone that knows me I AM GOING TO WRITE THAT BOOK) As evidenced by the fact that this column was read in a group for young women who suffer from severe eating disorders and ALL of them "got it". People may not want to listen (like your Preacher above), but that does not mean that we do not need someone to bear witness to and acknowledge our pain. If those people "don't want to hear it", they need to get out of the field. I say that in the NICEST way possible. ;) (I also say that about mean customer service reps) Besides, I gotta good lookin' face...I ain't puttin' no mask on it!

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-09-26T14:37:19-06:00

ID

70791

Comment

Ok, young, beautiful, wonderful, and confident lady. Stay this way as long as you can or forever. Good to hear the story of undying love between you and your mom. Somebody once told me, "You are what you think (about) and think you are." This doesn't mean you lie, hide or substitute false emotions to feel better, but it does mean your mind and heart, to a large degree, determine your status and well-being. I believe this is why our elders urge us to think about and do things that emit, bring, maintain and/or gurantee happines or joy. Pains, problems, hurdles, obstacles, heartaches, etc., will all unavoidably come our way, whether we're ready for them or not. A stranger, love one, or other person telling you a happy story makes you think of something good or joyous, like the story of how your article affected your mother. A sad story will often have the opposite effect. Too much sadness is not good for our health, hearts or minds. Most people aren't trying to commit a fraud; they're trying to do the best they can despite their circumstances and not injure anyone else. However, I do see and respect your points about being real and honest when necessary, possible, and the right thing to do. If hiding an emotion is hurting someone I'd be the first one to say stop faking and deal with it. As a youngster, I saw much of the world in black and white (not speaking of race here) and rarely saw any in-betweens (sic). This changed as I got older. Hopefully, I've got wiser, too, but I ain't sure about that since I like a little rap music and pretty female entertainers who can't sing. Smile.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-09-26T15:52:48-06:00