Ellington

Q. Most of my neighbors clean up after themselves, but not after the dogs they walk across my front yard. It's gotten to the point I can't get my garbage can from the street, much less get to my car because my own yard has turned into a minefield of dog sh*t. There ought to be a law! What can I do legally—or illegally—to stop this outrage?

A. There ought to be a law, but there ain't. Some cities do have laws, and dog walkers have to carry along plastic bags to pick up after their own doggie's do. And even if you break a leg or worse, the tort-reformers have probably figured out a way you can't collect any damages. The illegal options are more hazardous than dog sh*t, so I won't go there. So, the only reasonable course of action you have is the "neighborly one." You're in luck, since 'tis the season to be neighborly. (This is also a very Mississippi solution, since it involves a lot of indirection. Some would dare to call it "passive aggressive.")

Here's what I suggest: Have a Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Wicca party one evening and invite all (and only) those neighbors who walk their dogs across your lawn. Enclose a plentiful supply of plastic bags with your invitation, and add a little note saying, "You'll need these little bags for all the Christmas cheer you'll find in my front yard." On the night of your party, make certain that the entire (dimly lit) path across which guests must walk has been heavily distributed with poochie poo, so that it's impossible to reach your front door without landing in a fresh pile, no matter how expertly they've handled the plastic bags. When the guests arrive, just whisper in each one's ear, as if you're referring to others, "So sorry. The neighbors' dogs have made a mess of my yard. I have to walk through this crap every day, so, believe me, I know how nasty it is."

Then have your guests remove their shoes and leave them outside, along with their plastic bags. As each guest leaves, just smile brightly and say in the words of ineffable—and all-knowing—Jack Stevens, citizen of Jackson and the world, "Nature!"

If you prefer a simpler, slightly more direct solution, just send each of your neighbors a jumbo size box of zip-lock bags, wrapped in seasonal paper, and enclose a copy of this column. Make sure you put a return address on your gift.