Ellington

I spent many years praying for the one thing I thought I needed. I've studied myself, and I've researched family traits. I concluded that I simply do not have patience and, if I had it, my life would be different.

I spent a decade or so in a job I loved. I could contribute the special parts of who I am to the well-being of strangers I felt like I knew. Mostly women, they were struggling to make ends meet or beginning careers in the medical field. While I never wanted to be a medical professional, it was easy for me to relate to those who wanted to become certified nursing assistants because they are the beginning and the end for so many people. They do so much of the work and get paid the least for it. They need to have the purest hearts and compassion. They have to come in daily and work long hours for people who couldn't care for themselves.

I felt that way when I began my career as an administrative assistant. I felt as if I was on the bottom of the barrel and that no one really cared about my dreams or ambitions. I knew I had so much more to offer than creating letters and handing them over to someone else to sign. I knew I could be more beneficial answering inquiries rather than taking messages and handing them off for someone else to return the calls.

I began to sulk into depression, and I lost my desire to achieve. No one noticed anyway. So I prayed for the patience to endure. I didn't have a choice. I had to work even if it was torture to my spirit.

Then, fresh blood entered the office, and she asked me what I would do if I had the chance to do anything in the office. I simply replied, "I don't know, but I would not be an assistant to anyone."

I think she noticed that thing inside that certain people have and can see in others. I had something. I wanted to be better than I was. I wanted to connect to the people in my state, my city. I wanted to change lives, somehow.

It took a while, but finally the door opened.

Years passed. I mastered the particulars. I made plans, and I shared projects. I was excited, and then I hit the brick wall of endless open promises again. I needed patience to be able to just wait for God to do something so I didn't quit or lose it before he had time to move me or change the environment. I needed to learn how to just be still and wait for the universe to make its move.

I watched others come and go. I watched people being promoted and going to other positions. I prayed harder. I actually sat in my vehicle every morning for five minutes trying to convince myself that it was all worth it and that the day would be a good one. My daily prayer: "Lord, just give me patience to make it through."

One day, I walked over to a coworker's desk just to chat. I sat down, and soon tears rolled down my face. I was weary and worn. I was broken. I was defeated. She was likely my last stop on my way out the door for good. I mentioned to her, a God-fearing woman, that I had been praying hard for years about this one thing. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here," I said. "Is there more for me to learn? Is God just unhappy with my existence?"

"What are you praying for?" she responded simply.

I will never forget my response. "Patience! I ask God for patience to be able to deal with this place. I ask God to help me endure the struggle of wanting more and being overlooked. He keeps telling me to be still, and it's breaking me down."

She smiled at me, much like a smile I'd seen from my mother many times.

"Funmi, if you ask God for patience, you're asking for trouble, tribulations, trials. How do we learn patience without suffering? How do you learn how to endure without going through?"

I immediately stopped praying for patience. Not even a month later, I was given a promotion and an opportunity to learn something brand new.

Be careful that you are ready to receive what you are asking, whether for a new job or a new mate. Sometimes we don't need what we want, and often we don't know what we need. Most importantly, be sure you are willing to go through what it takes to get it.

Funmi "Queen" Franklin is a word lover, poet and advocate for sisterhood. She has a weakness for reality shows.