Ellington

• Wear all black and mope.

• Break up with someone.

• When your partner suggests going out to dinner, ask, "What's the occasion?"

• Eat lots of garlic, onions or beans.

• Play a practical joke: Present her with a velvet box with a candy Ring Pop inside.

• Surprise your partner with a romantic early-bird dinner at Denny's.

• Two words: "Schindler's List."

• Before your partner sits down for a candlelight dinner, put a whoopee cushion on her chair.

• Plan a double date with your boss and his wife. Or your parents.

• Ask your partner if he wants to watch adults-only TV, and turn on Masterpiece Theatre.

• Buy her jewelry from a coin-operated vending machine.

• Surprise your partner with your herpes test results in a pink envelope marked "A V.D. surprise!"

• Order every romantic, tear-inducing movie available on Netflix.

• Go out to eat where you will likely see kissing, hugging and general stomach-turning behavior.

• After drinking a few glasses of wine, send anything to an ex. This includes a Halloween dagger covered in fake blood or a text/e-mail professing your undying
love.

• Gloat to your single friends about the glorious, romantic day you have planned.

• Drink so much that your date becomes your designated driver and the evening highlights revolve around you dancing on tables and passing out.