How to Fake Being a ‘Real Man'

What does it take to be a real man? The serious answer is probably something about listening to the people around you, being able to patiently explain the infield fly rule and being strong enough to help other people when they're temporarily weak—whether that weakness is psychology, physical or both. In honor of Father's Day, however, we've put together a few slight less weighty thoughts on how those of us who still teeter on the brink of manhood can push ourselves over the edge. It only occurred to us after writing this piece that real men probably don't write tongue-in-check lists about how to be real men.

1. Know how to make a good martini as well as how to make a great cosmopolitan. Wince, however, whenever someone orders a cosmopolitan.
2. Know at least two clean jokes and a dirty one and be able to tell them well.
3. Have at least one good scar and a story to go with it—from when you were knifed, hunting or protecting a woman. If you just fell on something, then you'll need to practice telling the story dramatically.
4. Be able to deal three different styles of poker. (Hint: nothing wild.)
5. Learn to drink single-malt scotch without making a face.
6. Be able to change a tire, oil and have enough basic knowledge of engines to throw out terms like "V-Twin, Overhead Cam Vertical Shaft, 4 Stroke, Double Overhead Cam, etc."
7. Keep a stocked bar, at least two good bottles of wine and a humidor in your house.
8. Know how to build a fire with no matches. Half a point for lighting a fire with one match and well-placed kindling.
9. Have at least one woman's phone number you never called. (You could've got that "if you wanted to.")
10. Have a basic knowledge of weaponry and know how to handle a gun, knife or bow safely. If you know how to hold and appreciate a gun, you can get away with not using it if you aren't inclined to.
11. Always be ready to grill in the outdoors at any given moment. Your grill should be a man-sized grill, and you should have the charcoals appropriately hot and ready within 20 minutes.
12. Have at least one good story about being in a fight or about being with two women at once. Stories about fights with two women probably count.
13. Never under ANY circumstance admit to being lost.
—Herman Snell and Todd Stauffer


Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Sign in to comment