Ellington

"To have and to hold … for richer, for poorer … to love and to cherish …"

Those are Beautiful, timeless words. Words that are so well-known and repeated so often that it's easy for them to lose meaning.

Don't misunderstand; nothing is wrong with going the traditional route. There are plenty of good reasons to stick with the tried-and-true when it comes to nuptial pledges. Traditional vows are simple and elegant; indeed they may be the only simple and elegant aspects of some of the three-ring freak shows that people call weddings these days. Besides, let's face it: Not everyone is a poet. The last thing you want on your special day is singer Jimmy Earl waxing poetic about how he loves you more than his "Jerky of the Month" club. Notice I said the last thing you want. I, on the other hand, would pay top dollar to sit front-and-center at that ceremony.

I have always been a fan of people writing their own wedding vows. I don't know if any statistics prove that couples who pen their own vows have a better chance of sticking it out through the tough times, but I would be willing to bet that they do. To me, it's one of the more romantic ways a couple can express their love. It's a monumental occasion—the bride in attire that likely cost more than the GNP of some third-world nations, the groom mentally repeating that all-so-important four-word mantra ("don't lock your knees; don't lock your knees; don't lock your knees"), and the guests teary-eyed at the prospect of choosing which type of cake they want to tear into first at the reception.

But what if you want to split the difference? The vows, I mean—not the cake. You want your vows tailor-made to reflect you, but you don't want to go to the trouble of actually writing them yourself? Well, you're in luck, because I've done the legwork for you. I've composed several sets of vows that are ready-made for some of the more common types of couples out there.

For the Environmentally Conscious:
"My love for you shines brighter than a million ENERGY STAR bulbs. My devotion is more sustainable than Al Gore's hairstyle (An inconvenient poof?). The only thing not biodegradable about our lives together will be our love for one another. I promise to share my hopes, dreams and compost with you. I will work to sort out our differences as diligently as I sort out my recycling. And last, but not least, I pledge to reduce my emissions whenever possible or—at the very least—to crack a window."

For the Über-Capitalist:
"I, _______, take you, _______, to be my equitable partner, to buy and to sell, for better or for Obama, for richer or filthy richer, from this day forward, as long as we both shall gain interest. May all our funds be mutual, may our portfolio be diversified, and may our loins be as fruitful as our dividends."

For the Realist: Groom:
"I vow to take out the trash (at least once a month). I promise not to look at other women (while you're looking directly at me). I will yield the remote so that you may watch 'Extreme Home Weddings of Orange County' (if you allow me to make fun of you for it).

Bride: "I promise to give you 'video game time' (if you won't rag me about my online shopping sprees). I will not nag you about your smelly laundry (if said smelly laundry is the result of intense yard work). I pledge to work out to 'Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease' videos (only if you don't sit in your La-Z-Boy eating Cheetos and throwing dollar bills at the screen while I do so)."

For Teens:
Oooo-kaay. Fine. Have it your way, ya bunch a party poopers. Irreverence is one thing; tastelessness is quite another. I'll go ahead and pull out of this one while I'm still—

Oops.

Hopefully I've given all you future brides and grooms-to-be something that you can use. May you have a blessed wedding day and—infinitely more important—an even more blessed marriage.

Oh, and the cake thing? Always—always—go for the chocolate first. And if there is no chocolate? Run. Run away as fast as you can. It's a proven fact—an unimpeachable truth—that no marriage that begins sans chocolate cake lasts. Why would I lie? You think I would actually say something like that simply because there are multiple weddings coming up that I'm planning to attend and I really, really like chocolate cake?

Don't be absurd.