What NOT To Do When Camping

• Instead of bringing toilet paper, just use ivy.

• Take a self-guided "Into the Wild" tour of Alaska.

• Twitter constantly while leading a hike into the forest.

• Slather yourself with honey-scented lotion and sunbathe by stagnant water.

• See if the Crocodile Hunter's wrestling techniques work on alligators, too.

• Play the banjo with a stranger in Appalachia, especially if that stranger is an albino boy.

• Wear stiletto heels to go rafting.

• Protect your head in the woods by wearing a deer antler hat.

• Adopt a feral boy you discovered while hiking. No matter how loving your family is, he will try to kill you.

• Encounter Sasquatch sleeping in the woods and shave your initials into its back.

• After running out of lighter fluid, use hairspray or gasoline.

• Set out in the Maryland woods alone to prove that the Blair Witch isn't real.

• Play with bear cubs.

• Sleep in a tricked-out RV and complain about "roughing it."

• Bring a 24-pack of beer instead of water.

• When your friends offer you s'mores, announce, "I don't eat marshmallows because of the high fructose corn syrup. That stuff will kill you."

• Reenact "Deliverance" as a practical joke on your friends.

• Run out of Doritos on the first day and resort to cannibalism.

• Test your campfire-building skills in the outdoors section of Wal-Mart.

• Ask a strange woodsman to help you pitch your tent.

• Teach your children "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."

• Bring your pet rooster so you and the whole campground can embrace the dawn.


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