Ellington

So this is my first blog for this site, and I've had a hard time trying to decide on a topic to write on. I mean, expressing what it feels like to be a youth in Jackson, Miss., is something that I can do better orally than in writing. But most of the blogs that I've seen here focus on the facts of life, so I'll just start there. The hardest fact about life, I guess, isn't finding a purpose. Rather, it's trying to find this purpose while experiencing every type of rejection possible.

As teenagers, we get that a lot. It's something we have to face ourselves: Our parents can't sugar-coat it because we should be mature enough to understand, and plus, it would still feel the same. On top of that, this sense of failure only becomes worse when the same people who cast us off refuse to provide us with an explanation as to why we didn't get the spot or the position. They reject our right to know what we've done wrong so that we can aspire to do greater when the opportunity shows itself again. When I went out for the cheer squad and wasn't admitted (surprising, in fact, to many of the girls that became cheerleaders), my dad even had to request an explanation for my rejection. Yet, I still don't know the reason.

And like the cheerleading episode, the same has happened countless times for me in the life of rejection that I reside in.

I've been denied so many times that I have begun to notice a somewhat horrible trend. Whenever the only component of the application process includes a written document, I seem to be able to ace it. However, when an interview is thrown into the mix, I receive the dreaded phone call/letter--whichever form they're brave enough to use.

So wait a minute. Is my personality THAT horrible? I thought that I come off better than that. At a summer camp I recently came from, the campers gave me the type of affirmations that would make anyone think differently of themselves--if only for a second. Why am I writing on this? Well, just last week, I received the very phone call that no one wants to answer. I had an interview for a journalism summer camp hosted by one of the local publications. I was so ecstatic when I received the call, but only because I'd thought they said that phone calls meant "good." Was I shocked. Even though she tried to make me feel better by saying that the application pool was so great this year, she only did more damage because she reversed my self confidence.

And then I felt the tears sting my eyes like they have countless times before. Why, I remember bawling out while I held that "Waiting List" letter that I twice received from Power APAC, and I certainly remember not seeing my name on the list for the volleyball team and going under the tree out front to hide while I cried. What gets me more is that the people who audition with me are just as surprised as I am when I don't get in.

Exactly when will this cycle end? Never. It's just one of the obstacles that we all must face in life. What makes us rejected for eternity is when we do nothing to improve. And right about now, I plan to sign up for a Toastmaster Club. I here that they perform miracles for Rejects like me. Like all of us.