Ellington

Last week, I received a Blackberry message from a good friend informing me of Kelly Pates' death. While I was immediately saddened to learn we had lost him so young—he was only in his mid 50s—I also went back to the fall of 1997 when I first heard Kelly and his family perform. At the time, they were playing at a college party I was attending because they were cheap to hire and a couple of guys in charge of the entertainment were from Brookhaven, where Kelly lived at the time. Kelly, his wife Jean and son Andrew played classic rock and folk tunes better than most. But more memorable than his version of James Taylor's "Steamroller," was how Kelly and his family genuinely enjoyed playing music for people who were strangers at the beginning of the night and adopted family by the end.

Over the next 10 plus years, I heard Kelly and the Pates play probably close to 40 times at various bars and functions throughout Mississippi. Unlike many musicians, Kelly and the Pates did not play to make money. He also didn't play for free, though I'm sure he played a few gigs for some consideration besides cash.

Their shows never had the "we have an album coming out in the fall" moment. Instead, it always seemed the Pates played because that's what they enjoyed doing together as a family. Like anyone with a family and day job, I know Kelly had bad days and experienced the harsh side of life more often than the good, or so it might have seemed at times. However, you couldn't tell it when he was playing the guitar. The man always had a smile behind the beard.

During and after every show, Kelly would enjoy a drink with old friends and take the time to make new ones. It always amazed me how at ease he seemed in both his own skin and with his family on stage.

Hearing of his death caused me to wonder how his passing would affect his son Andrew, who was barely a teenager the first time I saw the Pates play back in 1997. I know Andrew and Jean will never play a song and not miss Kelly sitting in the chair between them wearing his signature cap and smile. I cannot begin to understand their loss, and have no magic words to take away their pain. But I can say Kelly's death caused me to reflect on the example he set, whether intentional or not.

I don't have children, but like many people, I hope to some day. Hearing of Kelly's passing, I began to reflect on not their sadness and loss, because I've never lost a parent or spouse, but instead on the musical legacy he left his son Andrew and the unique relationship they shared. I cannot help but think about the fact that Kelly not only got to be father and friend to Andrew, but how he also got to be band mate and musical partner.

On the weekends, when most fathers down south headed to the hunting camps and country clubs, seeking to escape the workweek and family, Kelly Pates got in the car, family and instruments in tow, and headed to a gig. I can only imagine the bond and relationship that undoubtedly developed between Kelly and his son as they drove all over the state playing at various bars, parties and even a few weddings. I know some of the best conversations in my late teens and early 20s took place in an automobile late at night "heading home." The fact that Kelly Pates got to experience that, on whatever level, with his son is truly something worth experiencing and a source of pride.

Too often, we hear stories of fathers seeking to live their lives through their children on the athletic field or in the gymnasium. Kelly Pates lived his life with his kid, and I only hope someone can say the same for me down the road. I am not the musician Kelly Pates was, and I never will be. I only hope I have a genuine love of something worth passing on to a child as Kelly did music with Andrew.

While Kelly is no longer with us, I hope we can all take something from the remarkable example he set. Time with family is too often seen as punishment, yet for Kelly it always seemed to be a gift. Wherever Kelly is right now, I'm sure he's playing music and making friends. From those of us who got to know him on a casual level, thank you for sharing your music, but most importantly, thank you for setting a refreshingly unique example of how to do family.