Ellington

In honor of Heather Spencer, who was beaten to death by her boyfriend who almost beat her to death a couple months back with nothing done about it by the police, let's talk about the realities of domestic violence. We can at least honor the life of this woman, and others like her, by being brutally honest about how bad this problem is, especially in Mississippi, one of the most violent for women in the country. How do attitudes about women, and keeping your family together no matter what, play into this problem? How do economics in the poorest state keep women in violent situations? How do our laws, and lax enforcement, make the problem worse? How does the threat of even more violence when a woman tries to leave keep women in abuse situations? How does the ability of richer families to cover up their problems (or send them off to rehab instead of jail) tie in?

Previous Comments

ID

114614

Comment

Here's the new thread some of you asked for.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2007-09-13T06:46:36-06:00

ID

114615

Comment

How do economics in the poorest state keep women in violent situations? Excellent question. There's no telling how many of them feel that they have nowhere else to go because of that.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2007-09-13T14:35:53-06:00

ID

114616

Comment

How does the ability of richer families to cover up their problems (or send them off to rehab instead of jail) tie in? en·abler Pronunciation: i-'nA-b(&-)l&r Function: noun : one that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior I attended private school in Jackson for K-12. However, I was always an outsider looking in for the most part because I was one of the few lower-middle-class kids. My parents worked full-time to send me to school at the places they thought were best for me. One of the things that irks me, that I still experience with so many of my friends today, is these "enabling adults." If you have no consequences for your actions, how in the hell are you going to learn right from wrong?!?

Author

kp

Date

2007-09-13T15:04:15-06:00

ID

114617

Comment

How does the threat of even more violence when a woman tries to leave keep women in abuse situations? Self-esteem, or lack thereof. Or loneliness. My ex kept saying things like, "You're lucky you're with me: no one else would ever want you." I seriously believed that for several years. There are times I still wonder how someone like IG could ever love someone like me. I was also pretty lonely when I met him: my grandfather had just died two months before, and I had no family members around me at the time. It got to the point where he would do nothing at all except be on the computer. He lost his job pretty soon after we met, and he didn't work for a long time after that. He used his veterans status to get preferential treatment for a displaced workers program: they paid for him to go to school for his associates degree. He used a forged DD-214 to get that status: it said he had an honorable discharge, when in fact he got a bad conduct discharge. While he was in school, I got pregnant with our daughter. He ordered me to have an abortion, because he didn't have time to deal with a kid. After all, he was in school, and could not be bothered with that sort of thing. We'd been together at that point for 6 years. I told him I didn't believe in abortion: it was my decision, and he was going to have to live with it. He wasn't even in the hospital room when she was born: he was in a study group for his school. He didn't tell his parents about her until after I had her. He had nothing to do with her, except he watched her overnight while I worked. That was it. For the first three years of her life, I was her chief companion. Then I met IG online. The ex and I made an agreement and had it filed with the court. It laid out visitation clearly: he had her during the summer, which would give me time to get settled here: then I would take her for the school year. When I came back up, he had filed for sole custody. I had not been served here with any papers: I was served in the hotel room the night before the hearing. I had no lawyer, nothing: I just had IG by my side. He filed because I had "ran off" to meet a guy on the Internet. His only witness decided he would not testify when he saw me in the courtroom. Nevertheless, I lost custody. The judge ruled that the paper we had filed was not valid. My ex also had an uncle that was the longest seated district court judge in the history of the county. Therefore, I lost my oldest child. I'll continue this later...

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-09-14T13:30:58-06:00

ID

114618

Comment

Lady, I like IG even more now.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2007-09-14T13:38:33-06:00

ID

114619

Comment

Thanks, Ray. We are very blessed to have each other. He's a real good guy. :)

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-09-14T13:48:23-06:00

ID

114620

Comment

Part Two... Fast forward 10 years. I'm reading my old local online newspaper, when I see the headline: "Man arrested on child porn charges." I still don't know why, but my heart sank immediately. Somehow, I knew it was him: but had to open up the article to verify. It was. On my way back to call IG and let him know, I just about pass out in the aisle. I was able to find out that the 12 year old child he abused was our daughter. I cried for weeks. We have gone up to the home state twice for court, and are now waiting on the last court date to bring her home. He has been sentenced, and is in prison for the next 40 years. He has also been brought up on welfare fraud charges. She's a mess. He told her nothing about me during her whole life: yet when I would call, I'd get hung up on: packages were never returned, nothing. I was 600 miles away, so going up often was out of the question. He was her whole life. He made her cook, clean, everything. I kept up with her as much as I could: she's been on the honor roll the last two years, and even had perfect attendance the last year. I'm really proud of her. But she has a long road to go, beginning with a move to a state she knows nothing about, with a family she barely knows. IG has been supportive the whole way. He wants to bring her home as much as I do. He's kicked himself for us losing her in the first place. I've fought to get her picture off his various My Space, Yahoo 360, My Yearbook, and other blog sites. Granted, it's just a normal picture of both of them, but I want them gone. If you could see his sites, he is a real freak. This part sounds crazy, but it's real: he's a hypnotist, and uses that to control women. On his websites, he tells women that they have to text him when they read his page. He was fired from one job for putting a coworker under hypnosis: and it got especially bad for him when her husband walked in on them. I remember the first time I called the police: he said if I did, he would rip the phone out of the wall. I called work, told them I wouldn't be in, and asked my coworker to call the police. Since we were cohabitating, they would not make him leave. The police said it wasn't their problem. I had to get a restraining order to get him away from me. I set up where he could visit our daughter, since he had never threatened her: but he had to stay away from me. Oh, well. I've typed way too much and need to do stuff now. :)

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-09-14T14:07:21-06:00

ID

114621

Comment

Wow, LH, you've dealt with a lot. I admire you for making it this far, and I hope your daughter will be able to adjust to her new surroundings. I came back here to see if anyone heard about the Juanita Bynum case? Her husband is trying to twist things around on her now, and I think it's sick for someone who wears the title of bishop to do such a thing.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2007-09-14T21:40:50-06:00

ID

114622

Comment

Last I heard, he decided not to contest the divorce. And anyone who does not believe how crazy my ex was/is, do a web search: use runestar777 and you'll get an idea.

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-09-25T14:28:53-06:00

ID

114623

Comment

Okay, I got a question, and what better place to post than here. How can a woman who gets into a physical altercation with her boyfriend/husband tell if this will become a regular thing. Suppose there is an argument and the man gets mad and he pops her in the eye one good time. Should she leave him then? If we believe that people can be rehabilitated then could that not have been a one time thing and she would be well within her rights to think this is not his nature and it won't happen again. When does a woman in a relationship that is not regularly abusive but does get physical on occasion or even one time only - know that this man has an abusive nature and he could possibly kill her one day. How do you know? How can she tell? You may think this is cut and dry ladies and gentleman, but it isn't.

Author

Queen601

Date

2007-09-25T16:04:57-06:00

ID

114624

Comment

I've never been in that situation, so I can only speculate what I would do. I always had a mindset that if I get hit once, it's over because if he did it once, he'll do it twice. I'd definitely break it off with a boyfriend since no covenant was made. As far as a husband goes, he would have to pass that lick after we got married because we wouldn't have married if he did it before then. I would separate, and then both of us would go get marriage counseling in addition to him getting counseling to find out what his problem is. Then, I would know what to do after that, but I wouldn't live in the same house with him unless and until I felt safe. If lick number two came, it's over, and I don't wanna hear no baby-I'm-sorry junk either.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2007-09-25T18:56:54-06:00

ID

114625

Comment

Another thing I forgot to mention: I remember a preacher saying that before you marry someone, you should always see how that person acts when he or she is angry. Show up late a few times and see how he reacts, stuff like that.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2007-09-25T18:59:34-06:00

ID

114626

Comment

"Another thing I forgot to mention: I remember a preacher saying that before you marry someone, you should always see how that person acts when he or she is angry. Show up late a few times and see how he reacts, stuff like that." That's a smart preacher. Another good test is to travel with someone on a stressful trip. As far as your getting hit once and that's it - I agree completely - also to not accepting apologies, any 'it will never happen again' nonsense. Sure it's possible but I'd say highly improbable and why take the chance? To me it's definitely 'cut-and-dried'. If a relationship has deteriorated to that point it's not going to get any better and that will always be there in your history together.

Author

lucdix

Date

2007-09-25T19:23:58-06:00

ID

114627

Comment

Something happened with me the other day, I met this lady who had been abused by her husband, and I will say that having read some of the articles and posts here helped me deal with this better. I suggested she get the guy out of her living area and call the police, and call one of the battered women hotlines. The scary part is wondering every day if she is going to be one of these women you see on the news killed by the monster she lives with.

Author

GLewis

Date

2007-09-26T07:25:43-06:00

ID

114628

Comment

yes, it is scary. GL, it's good you talked to her. I believe that the more we can talk openly to women in this situation, the more they feel support, rather than shame. After all, it's not their fault, yet they often feel ashamed. As for why women stay, here's another point. My dad, who is a psychologist, has studied the human brain his entire life. He says that there's a concept called "primary attachment" which can be measured in the brain when a person has a primary loved one in their life, like their mother, father, or husband or wife. The brain actually changes when the relationship is established. Then, when the person begins to leave this "primary attachment" the brain actually rebels. It has been measured to actually throw up bad information, such as conveniently "forgetting" that something happened, or engaging in completely irrational denial that seems so real. It's the brain resisting the loss of the primary attachment because, at least in our past, these attachments were necessary for our primal survival. HE says once you get past the first phase these reactions from the brain die down. It helps explain why it's so hard to leave a bad relationship, which I'm sure many can relate to, whether or not there's violence involved.

Author

Izzy

Date

2007-09-26T08:03:37-06:00

ID

114629

Comment

Folks, watch for our cover story today. There is much, much more on the way. We're not going to let this topic go.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2007-09-26T08:51:35-06:00

ID

114630

Comment

Once is enough. If he (or she: let's not forget that women can be abusers, too) hits you or berates you once, and gets away with it, they will do it again. We have to watch out for the sociopaths passing themselves off as good, ordinary people. These are people who think the world revolves around them, and God help you if you don't think the same. I'm sure there are people out there who would do it once and never again, but I for one am not willing to take that chance.

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-09-26T09:08:26-06:00

ID

114631

Comment

that is really interesting, Izzy... as someone who has studied psychology herself, i think that makes perfect sense.

Author

music chick

Date

2007-09-26T10:48:15-06:00