Ellington

You know those awful, boring, photocopied letters with hokey snowmen that fall out of your Christmas cards from friends and relatives each year? Yeah, those.

They don't have to suck.

I started writing a yearly holiday newsletter over a decade ago, and believe it or not, my extended circle of peeps complains when they don't get it (which has basically been any year since we started the JFP. Until this one, I promise, really I do).

Why is my newsletter so in demand? First, it has a cool name. (The Bob & Wave, named after a defunct beauty shop in Cripple Creek, Colo.) Secondly, it is also self-effacing. Thirdly, it is entertaining. Fourth, it's always on hot-pink (or lime-green) paper. Presentation matters.

OK, I am a writer, granted. But as someone who teaches people to just get out of their own way when writing, I can help you write a holiday letter they'll all love. (I'm working on a password-protected cyber-version of mine to save trees.)

1. Write descriptively from the first sentence. Use real words to describe. Don't say that your man bought you a "beautiful dress"; tell them what it looked like: the length, the color, the material.

2. Write like you talk. Southerners are great story-tellers. Tell stories from the first sentence; don't just list boring events. People will love it more if you tell them one great story about your cat Eddie keeping you awake all night when you moved into your new house because he's afraid of the ceiling fan over the bed, which looks like a giant cat-eating spider. Trust me.

3. Don't use passives. As all good writers do, make your sentences active. In other words, say, "We had fun," never "fun was had."

4. Make fun of yourself. People love it. Nuff said.

5. Mention your readers. Talk about when a friend from Europe visited, and how she reacted to Mississippi.

6. Don't be too afraid of controversy. One of my favorite people describes his efforts helping re-open old civil-rights cases in the letter he writes between Christmas and New Year's. I criticize Bush in mine. That means my GOP readers won't get bored.

7. It doesn't have to get there before Christmas. Mine is always late, so I declared it a New Year's letter. Then a Twelfth Night missive. Do what you need to do.

8. Mix up paragraph length. Some short, some long. And find a template for a fun layout. Use images. Be creative.

9. Surprise people. Tell stories with unexpected endings. Include your own Top 10 list. Declare a relative of the year.

10. Be interesting. If you can't think of a single cool thing you did during the year, you have your first resolution for 2008. Go get a life, and then write about it in 12 months.