Ellington

Just three weeks into our marriage, I called my new husband, Mr. Steam Jeans, to ask a very simple question, "Honey, do you want to do 'Wife Swap?'" His immediate response to this question was a significant pause—the kind of pause a bride may expect if she'd asked, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

A quick response to such a loaded question might have been no-win for him, but in this instance I was speaking of ABC's reality show aptly titled "Wife Swap." When he understood that, and that we could be true candidates for the television show that pays $20,000, he answered "yes" with much relief and a hint of excitement.

You see, we are huge "Wife Swap" fans. On the ABC show, two mothers trade families for what appears to be two weeks; first living the life as the other mother, and then implementing "rule changes" where she thinks the family could improve. We watched "Wife Swap" religiously on Monday nights. Mr. SJ and I would watch and discuss what household rituals would be helpful for our family, and things we'd try desperately to avoid.

A casting producer had contacted Jill Conner Browne seeking candidates for the upcoming season, and indicated he was looking for women who had opinions they weren't afraid to share. The twist to this season's episodes was that each mother would choose someone to come "help" during rule change. Sounded good, and the "help" couldn't have been anyone besides Jill.

The first step: phone interviews, which included the casting producer randomly calling throughout my day. I suppose this gave him a true picture of our day-to-day. When we were asked to sum up our family in one statement, we told him we work hard, and we play hard. I knew we were being put into a box—the television sets of a gazillion viewers.

After hours on the phone, we were sent a "Final Application" to complete in one night and e-mail back to ABC. As I read through the questions, it dawned on me that this would be our manual. On the show, each wife creates a "manual" for the other wife on how the family is run. My goodness!

Who wears the pants in the family?

Mr. SJ wears the pants in the family because Emily tells him to. Plus, Emily looks way cuter in the skirt.

Who takes care of the following responsibilities in the family:

Child care: Mr. SJ

Shopping: Mr. SJ handles groceries; Emily handles fun.

Cleaning: What is this clean of which you speak? We do not trifle ourselves with cleaning. OK, we all handle light cleaning, and a maid does the rest.

Cooking: Mr. SJ. Except for that one time Emily cooked meatloaf.

(Question for Mom) Most of the time to impose positive change toward another family you will have to be judgmental and opinionated. Do you have any problem doing so?

Not a bit. I have the hate mail to prove it.

From these few answers, one might see where I'm not much of a "wife." We also answered questions regarding our daily schedules, which included me working nine hours a day with every other Friday off to do some writing. I admitted that I do, in fact, spend a fair amount of time, money and energy on my appearance. We also acknowledged that we are not great disciplinarians, and our children are quite spoiled. In fact, this final application forced more realizations on us than months of pre-marital counseling.

One of the final steps was a telephone interview with the children—our son and daughter. Then we were sent a list of questions to answer on camera to go along with a tour of our home and neighborhood. The kids went to their respective bedrooms to prepare, both emerging with personas I did not recognize. Monkey described himself as "cool" and "popular," and the Princess proclaimed they "get us anything we want." We boxed the tapes up, and were put "on hold" while ABC found the right "fit."

Now, I realize that we might not "fit." After watching this season's "Wife Swap" with pirates, a super-organizer mom and then finally the mom who proclaimed that the Joneses keep up with them, I can't help but wonder where we would have fit.

From this experience, we concluded that our children need less stuff and more us. I'm taking a break from the nine-hour workdays to write while the children are at school. Since that initial contact just three weeks into our marriage, I've become a true wife. And the truth is, it's never perfect, it never will be, and we're too normal to make great television.

Previous Comments

ID

73995

Comment

Interesting story Emily. I hope y'all eventually get picked. However, remember we're watching and you have to return back here. I have an interest in television too. I want to be on that show where the women compete for your approval and selection. I think it's called the Flavor Flav show. You just inspired me to make an effort to get on the show. I'll see if the wife will give her approval. I like your writing and hope you succeed in your wishes and desires.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-11-16T12:11:39-06:00

ID

73996

Comment

FLAVA FLAV! Okay, that show disgusts me. He disgusts me. The premise disgusts me. Yet I'm drawn to the drama. I need feminist therapy for that one. You know New York is getting her own show. More power to her. We're out of the running for the show now for personal reasons. After watching this season, I'm okay with that. It may have roots in social documentary but now is more about sensationalism. I'm still watching though.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-11-18T13:22:28-06:00