Ellington

Febuary 8, 2006

While sitting down and enjoying an "adult beverage" with a few guy friends the other night, the topic of dating came up. Now, I've always maintained that I wouldn't write about dating in a column. I've previously mentioned that I just don't do it well, and recent events in my life prove it. Dating for me at this point consists of believing that Michael Buble speaks to me through the radio. He is commanding me to stalk him. Every time he sings "Save the Last Dance For Me" with that Sinatra-like smoothness, he's shooting a rainbow straight through my heart laced with obsessive compulsion and covered in a restraining order. That man knows exactly what he's doing.

Most of that night was spent dissecting my inability to find a man in his right mind in the vicinity of this wonderful town. The conversation slowly turned to dating in general and their frustrations with "catching" anything in this town as well. Noticing their lovely suits, clean-shaven cheeks and American Express cards, I wondered what in holy hell their trouble with dating could possibly be.

They then regaled me with horror stories of trying to meet women while out and about. They even punctuated it with legal papers as if I didn't believe them. They started talking about the "rules" of being out with a guy and trying to pick up women. I finally started listening. In the next hour these guy friends bestowed upon me the ever-sacred "Male Rules For Dating." Being the ever-ready reporter I am on most nights while holding a drink in one hand and a pen in the other, I took notes. What follows is a general "rule book" for guys on a dating adventure in the great outdoors with their climbing buddy.

1) A guy is not allowed to hook up with a girl that his buddy has previously "hooked." Straightforward. I'm thinking even women have this rule.

2) No c*ck-blocking. Now, I didn't quite know what the term "c*ck-blocking" meant. But one of my friends who happens to be a lawyer was more than happy to avail me of the legal definition. C*ck-Blocking: You shall not undertake any affirmative efforts, and/or refrain from taking any affirmative efforts, that would hinder buddy from hooking up with said woman at that current time, or at any time in the future. So none of that.

3) Always maintain the "game face" when out with a buddy. Never go to "The Bad Place." The Bad Place being the part of the buddy's brain that holds all emotion concerning ex-girlfriends, wives or dead pets. Real Life has no part in the Game Face. (I'm serious, you guys. Someone said this to me, out loud.)

4) Dress smart. Nobody wants to hang out with that guy in the cable-knit sweater. I mean, Mrs. Cosby sure got into it, but most girls like pink ties and good shoes. Stand Out. Take off the Polo shirt and grab something orange.

5) Realize your strengths. When out with a buddy, do not be ashamed to admit that some people are power hitters and some guys are short stops. I seriously don't know what this means. I think it's the baseball metaphor. I loathe baseball.

6) Know your audience. No one has the same target audience. All this must be decided ahead of time and plans made accordingly. If your buddy likes blondes, you must always go for the brunette.

7) Women sense weakness. Show none. Present a united front. (I asked him if he was at Normandy after this one. He told me to shut up.)

8) Be aware of the art of the haiku. Women love the haiku. Following this advice, there was a five-minute fight concerning the amount of syllables contained in each line of a haiku. For future reference, it is 5-7-5.

9) Emotion is your secret weapon. Show it in selected situations. Essentially, cry if it will "seal the deal." Cry even harder if it means your buddy gets the friend.

10) Be willing to play the wingman, but always have the strength to play the lead. (At this point I understood both of them being single. Now, it's not that they aren't great guys. I think they just forget I am a woman, sometimes.)

11) Just because they said this list had to go to 11. I told them I was having no part of a "Spinal Tap" reference. They demanded. I asked for another free drink. They obliged, and I relented. So, No. 11 is "Always be prepared." There are times when owning a sewing kit will help a guy get, um, "married."

I wanted to make horrible fun of these rules and talk about how outdated and juvenile they sounded. But they must work. After spitting out No. 11, one of the friends picked up some women at the bar and the rest of the night was set. Yes, I couldn't quite believe it myself.

This led me to ask one question. In this little game we like to call dating, who is the dumber animal?

The fact that men have these rules is a little abhorrent. But the fact that women fall for them this frequently is even scarier. After an evening of watching this little play unfold before my very eyes, I quite understood why I wasn't that great at winning. I've just never known all the rules.

Well, there's that, and then there's the fact I hate haiku.

Previous Comments

ID

71387

Comment

ahhhh men being men i love the fact that i am one of them

Author

skipp

Date

2006-02-09T14:06:14-06:00

ID

71388

Comment

i am going to say c$ck blocking is number 1, the #1 you have is sort of like a game to some guys, with ribbing of who scored first to follow.

Author

*SuperStar*

Date

2006-02-09T14:34:46-06:00

ID

71389

Comment

After I wrote the original column, I was then provided with an "addendum" to the original ten. I'll have to write about those at some point.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-02-09T14:41:54-06:00

ID

71390

Comment

This is precisely why I avoid the mainline dating scene. As far as I'm concerned this (let me be blunt) stupid bureaucratic smorgasboard of superficial pointless "do"s and "don't"s {1} for 20-something singles sounds scarcely different from the high school ones when you really get down to it. Ali, I know you are just reporting what you saw - especially given your commentary. You're safe from my ire ;) My advice to those who are sick of this bureaucracy that suppresses your authentic personality{2}. Get to know your authentic self, no matter how "unappealing" it may seem to most of the opposite gender. When you find which activities your authentic personality really takes an interest in, find a group that caters to those interests. You will be MUCH more likely to find that special someone that TRULY is special. {1} Note well that I don't dignifiy this list with the term "rules", since the term "rules" has a connotation of being definite standards of conduct that all reasonable people would agree with to some degree {2} As opposed to "dressing to impress", putting on artificial "fronts" designed to make you look smooth, polished,and illustrative, etc.

Author

Philip

Date

2006-02-17T23:40:30-06:00