Ellington

Most of us have them--and I spend way too much time on abstract stuff, and not enough time on community-building stuff, so here are mine...

I'm a big proponent of fat acceptance, but I'm also a proponent of developing healthy eating habits. I'm pretty sure I gained about 25 pounds over the past year, and now weigh more than I ever have. I know how to lose weight because I've done it before--I lost 35 pounds in like three or four months a few years back just by cutting out snacking. Gained it back, of course. This is the typical New Year's resolution: Lose weight. This will probably be easier for me than it is for most people. I'm an incredibly lucky guy, so most things generally are.

2. Accept who I am.

Because I was sick as a teenager, my social life from the time I was 12 until the time I was 17 was mostly nonexistent, and my twenties really represent the first time I've had strong friendships with people anywhere near my age since I was a kid. Understandably, I've spent a lot of my time over the past ten years making sure I didn't miss any important life lessons, but I've now been social for much longer than I was non-social and I'm pretty happy with how I turned out, so it's time to stop making up for lost time and just chill.

3. Eat meat and drink alcoholic beverages (both in moderation).

Because I'm tired of always not eating the same stuff the rest of my family eats, and that white chocolate martini I had at the ACLU party a few weeks ago (the first alcohol I had in 2006, not counting Communion) was fantastic. I should do both in moderation--red meat should never be a staple of my diet again, and I don't want to ever either be drunk or reach the point where I need a buzz to have a good time--but my days of being a vegetarian teetotaller are over.

4. Read more fiction.

I love novels. I double-majored in English lit, and I got my M.A. in humanities with a heavy world literature focus. So why the heck is it that I can't remember the last time I sat down and read a novel? I'm about to read James Baldwin's If Beale Street Could Talk, and then I'm following it up with Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, and I'm going to keep reading novels for the rest of the year. In some ways, this is my most important resolution.

5. Get up earlier.

I've been actually waking up in the morning for the past few days. It feels great, and there's not much I can get done in an allnighter that I can't get done better (and almost as soon) by getting up early the next day. Nothing too drastic, but unless I'm sick as a dog, there's no reason to sleep past noon.

6. Clean house.

My bedroom and office are a cluttered mess. Enough of that.

7. Stop being an enabler for abusive people.

2006 was a wonderful year, but one of the things I learned during that year is that I have a habit of being fiercely loyal to the wrong people, defending folks when I really should be letting them take a nosedive for their own good. I'm sure y'all have seen this tendency in me before. Well, I'm working on it in 2007.

8. Write poetry again.

Because I'm good at it, and I don't just mean villanelles and chant royals and stuff. Expect to see me at an open mic event or three in 2007. Heck, I might even see if I can get something podcasted here.

9. Do more public speaking.

Because I'm good at that, too, and I enjoy it.

10. Fight the good fight.

2006 was the year I learned that being a moderate, peaceful influence only encourages a world where ideas are not substantively discussed, where people are moderately and peacefully trampled on with nobody to stand up for them. Michelle Colón, Shannan Reaze, Brent Cox, Nsombi Lambright, Shawna Davie, and others have done more than they will ever know to make an activist out of me, and I'll always love them for that. My values will now be a part of every area of my life--including my writing. So no more rooms full of white people; I'm not a segregationist and I shouldn't live like one. No more via media compromises; those are for scumbag politicians. No more silence in the name of maintaining relationships; no relationship based on awkward silence is worth having. I started out in 2006 wanting to be everybody's bedtime warm milk, but now I stand corrected--with emphasis on the word "stand." I love raising hell, and rest assured that I will raise more hell in 2007 than I ever have before.

Now it's your turn!

Previous Comments

ID

109659

Comment

I love giving up the enabling! I did that a few years back and it changed my life!

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-31T14:30:00-06:00

ID

109660

Comment

Emily, I'd love to hear more about that! Yes. This is a very big thing for me. I seem to go through life as if I'm wearing an "I'm a Gullible Sucker--Take Advantage of Me" T-shirt. Good Ol' Tom: No emotional maintenance, always eager to help, loyal for life, and completely disposable. That's stupid. Do I really want to help create a world where people can treat each other like I set myself up to be treated sometimes? It's downright immoral to do that. It hurts everybody--me, the abuser, and anyone who crosses paths with either of us. So I'm learning, slowly but surely, how to say "screw it" and move on without feeling like I did anything wrong. It's a long, hard lesson to learn. Some people never learn it, but I'm getting there fast. I put an end to some very unhealthy personal dynamics in 2006, and my #1 job for 2007 is not to start any new unhealthy personal dynamics to replace them. I'll probably fall off the wagon from time to time, but less often, I think, and much less dramatically. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-12-31T15:00:51-06:00

ID

109661

Comment

Emily: If Mr Head was married with a couple of small kids I wonder how much time he would have for all of this pontificating and thinking about personal growth? hehe.

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-12-31T15:30:51-06:00

ID

109662

Comment

I haven't gotten past "Clean" yet. Can you do that and be a geek?

Author

Ironghost

Date

2006-12-31T15:31:34-06:00

ID

109663

Comment

I plan on pontificating about personal growth as soon as I get this piece finished. What are you doing today Kingfish? Any YouTubes for us :P The enabling will be a very long answer, and it is something I have not mastered completely. See above ;) But I grew up with an addict, married an addict, and for now I can only say letting go of enabling was the ONLY thing that was going to get my closer to my goals. And I do plan on posting my goals as soon as I get to them. I do it every year. Last year was letting go of fear. I'm going to try that again this year for sure!

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-31T16:00:57-06:00

ID

109664

Comment

why? did you want some? Been looking at football youtubes. Damn that Ronnie Lott could hit. Immaculate Reception was fun to watch again as well.

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-12-31T16:15:55-06:00

ID

109665

Comment

and how do you post them on this site? Not the link but the youtube clip itself? i've seen others do it.

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-12-31T16:17:02-06:00

ID

109666

Comment

since you asked: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV1Mf8yncPM

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-12-31T16:30:08-06:00

ID

109667

Comment

Kingfish writes: If Mr Head was married with a couple of small kids I wonder how much time he would have for all of this pontificating and thinking about personal growth? Oh, I don't know, Fish. I hope I'd still do my share of it, since I'd want to set a good example for the kids. The more interesting question for me is if you were in that situation, how much time would you have to pontificate about my pontifications. Emily writes: The enabling will be a very long answer, and it is something I have not mastered completely. See above ;) But I grew up with an addict, married an addict, and for now I can only say letting go of enabling was the ONLY thing that was going to get my closer to my goals. Wow. I get the feeling there are a lot of good columns and blog entries in that story that convey the wisdom of experience--there already have been a few along those lines, now that I think of it.... It's really good, at any rate, to have you on the JackBlog. I didn't realize it until you came on board, but what it was missing was an Emily Braden... Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-12-31T17:27:17-06:00

ID

109668

Comment

Thank you Tom. And I'm sure KF's jab was at me and not you ;) Par for the course for a full-time mom. Hate the term Stay at home, since I *work* at home. I've gotten them before, and I'm sure that won't be the last. My children aren't that small though. Bonus daughter's as tall as me to be honest! There are lots of columns/blogs on that one. I've been sitting on them for 1. fear and 2. legal reasons. Also took lots of time to work it all out in my head.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-31T17:47:34-06:00

ID

109669

Comment

Yeah, it really makes childrearing sound appealing when folks say you aren't even supposed to entertain deep thoughts if you're a woman with kids. Not sure which of us that was directed at, but it was definitely an example of the "friendly jab right under the ribs" humor that is largely responsible for the fact that all of my really close under-40 friends are either women or gay men. I don't like to make those kinds of comments and I don't particularly like to hear them, either, though I'm sure he meant well. There's a guy I run into periodically who, when asked how he's doing, invariably says "If I weren't poor and ugly, I'd have it made!" It depresses me when I hear him say that, because I'm pretty sure I know exactly why he says it and it has everything to do with the way many groups of heterosexual men tend to interact outside of mixed company. I've never enjoyed that kind of thing and I'm not interested in learning how. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-12-31T18:19:45-06:00

ID

109670

Comment

Tom: I resolve to kill whoever decided that programming in c++ should be part of my job. I'm trying to get a program to compile and run, and it is being very irrational. As far as losing that weight, I had to deal with that this last year. I have always been a skinny (really, scrawny) kid, and so I still think of myself that way. But one day last spring I send a picture of myself getting an award to my Dad. All he said, with his typical subtelty, is "boy, you sure are getting fat". I looked at myself and said "hey, he's right! How'd that happen". What hapened was, after I hit thirty or so, my metabolism changed. The weight just snuck up over time. So I just implemented the "thermodynamic" diet. That is, mass in must equal mass + energy out (with an increase of entropy thrown in). So...eat less, exercise more, lose weight. I realized that my eyes and my brain would still select portion sizes appropriate for a skinny kid, because that's what my brain still said I was. But, in reality, I don't need that much anymore. So, I eat the same stuff I used to, just less of it at each meal. At first it bothered me, because I FELT like I should have more. But I soon realized that I felt better after each meal when I didn't eat so much. So, I do that, and exercise a moderate amount each day. And, over about 6 months or so, I lost about 25 pounds. Now I'm about the same weight I was when I was in my mid-twenties. I consider my "diet" a permanent change -- a lifestyle change. I think specialized diets are a complete waste of time, because you will always gain the weight back if you think of the changes as temporary. My approach has helped me a lot, because I don't miss the way I ate before, and I exercise enough for it to be enjoyable (at least when I am done) but not enough for it to be an undue burden. I also enjoy the process of seeing my body sloooowly change -- its like watching a science experiment unfold. So, anyway, I hope that helps, if you decide you want to lose some weight. If you decide to, that is. I'm with you in regards to the body image issue. If other people don't like your weight, whatever it is, then screw 'em. You can do whatever you want to with it.

Author

GLB

Date

2006-12-31T18:56:18-06:00

ID

109671

Comment

Tom, more on this later, but women jab at that issue too. My personal experience....now just mine....when the men jab at my choice to mom/freelance I jab them back. With the women, it's so deeply rooted, I feel like I can't jab back, or if I do, it's hateful. KF knows I can take it. Sent me an email once titled "lazy" and asked if I *ever* work. Yes sweetie. I do. And your schedule is so packed you can email me your observations and assumptions of my lifestyle. Which are 1. nunya and 2. more work than I could ever describe. I love my life more than I ever have. And it's only going up from here. I'll be back with resolutions that I've actually spent some time on these past few weeks. There's the year, five year, in my lifetime. Goals are ALWAYS good. Lead, follow or get the hell out of the way! :)

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-31T19:02:41-06:00

ID

109672

Comment

GLB, good story. Thanks for this! Right now Slim-Fast is working, because I don't really like to spend much time eating solid food during the day anyway. Unless I'm eating out with friends, 30 seconds is usually about as much time as I want to spend on lunch. But I reckon portion size is probably the name of the game, and there's no reason why I can't also adjust my dinner habits, and drink a quart of water with dinner instead of a can of diet root beer. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-12-31T19:08:24-06:00

ID

109673

Comment

Emily, I'd love to chat about this stuff in detail sometime. Part of the reason I'm a feminist is because this whole question of how to live life as an equal person and still be a responsible part of a family and still raise kids and so forth is something I want to come to terms with. I don't want to be one of those men who just shrugs off those hard questions for women to deal with. The KF email sounds incredibly obnoxious, but most people who think I'm lazy don't realize how fast I write and think, and how very little time all this takes away from my paid work. I'm sure the same is true for you, not that paid work is the only legitimate kind--and isn't it interesting that we have to justify unpaid work that we find meaningful, but not justify paid work that we don't. I'm all for capitalism, but I don't want to judge myself strictly as a money-producing/product-consuming machine. I mean, what, if I produce 20 pounds more garbage twice a week than my next door neighbor, does that mean I get to be a success? NOW has a T-shirt that says "Every Mother is a Working Mother." When our culture buys into that idea, the world will be a much better place for women and the next generation of men they raise. I'm still living at home, helping to take care of my grandmother, plenty of responsibilities in the volunteer world, too, and I'm happy as a clam. Some people don't get that. Happy, to them, is more money, more free time, more parties. I don't quantify my happiness that way. Happiness, for me, is the whole picture. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-12-31T19:15:13-06:00

ID

109674

Comment

[quote]but most people who think I'm lazy don't realize how fast I write and think,[/quote] ...and type. I've had the singular honor of hearing both you and Dani type in the old days. My pathetic efforts pale in comparison. :D I'll have to come up with some later. I never follow through, but it's fun to write 'em up.

Author

Ironghost

Date

2006-12-31T19:51:35-06:00

ID

109675

Comment

Yep. And I've been a working mom too. Every office (besides the classroom) had downtime throughout the day. And time to stop and laugh. Or time to email a friend real quick. I blog more now because I never liked to blog from work. It also has me thinking more and the more I think, the more I have to write about :P When I first came home, I spent about a week vegging. Then I started reading all the books I've been wanting to read. Read up on blogs I'd been meaning to read (feministing being one). Caught up with friends/family I'd neglected. Family emergencies took up most of my time with a new, blended family. I swear THAT is more managing than I've EVER done. It's full-time for sure. Starting next week, I'm getting into the routine I need to be in to be more productive, paid or not. My close friends understand that I can't drop a train of thought to go to lunch, which goes straight to getting to kids and then no focused time to finish. My close friends also understand that writer's block is one of the most painful parts of writing. I read Larry King's Willie bio, and it felt so good to know that I'm not the only writer who hits a low like that. Writer's block can seem to be nothing, but the mental toll is harder on me than mowing the lawn! Then it gets very solitary and easy to lose touch with the real world. I need a book club something awful. I took KF in humor as he seems to have a helluva lot of free time himself ;) This is new to me, and I know that I'll get a pace that works. And yes, it's on the backs of mothers to take care of "household" stuff for the most part. My husband cooks and does laundry. We have VERY different standards of clean though, and if you walk in my house now (ask Lori) after I've had the writer hat on for weeks, my house looks like a bachelor pad. Who's going to judge me for that? Not anyone whose opinion I value. There's also the whole "role" of the mom. I like to think I'm pretty hands-on. Sure it'd be easy if I just got them from school, then went straight back to writing. But then I'd never know about Princess's fight with her friend. Or Monkey's new play. I'd rather have that relationship than anything. And it doesn't pay a nickle. Again, my husband values it, and he also has that relationship with them. So I think we have a great balance here. He'll take a long lunch to get the kids if I need to be somewhere, even places that don't pay, when I tell him it's something I need to do. Gotta go to a party now ;) With the kids. But I'd love to discuss this, especially on the chick blog. I was judged for working, judged for not working and it IS a shame that the burden of that judgement is on the mom.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-31T20:15:29-06:00

ID

109676

Comment

Imagine being a Stay At Home Dad.

Author

Ironghost

Date

2006-12-31T22:28:34-06:00

ID

109677

Comment

IG, thanks for this. :o) I've been talking to Dani a lot lately--let me know if you'd like to get back in touch with her. She's doing great. Has a kid now! And still types incredibly fast (at risk of sounding arrogant, she's the only person I've ever met who consistently types faster than I do). We almost did coffee this weekend, but it didn't really work out (she was sick, I was incredibly busy). And I definitely plan on being an unconventional father. I have a stay-at-home job, basically; assuming it continues to work out well for me, I expect I still will when I have kids. How will this impact who does what, especially if my future significant other and I end up homeschooling the kids, and if she has a career of her own (odds are it wouldn't be work-at-home) to maintain? So I'd be very interested in hearing about how this has worked for you, and so forth. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-01T03:26:15-06:00

ID

109678

Comment

Emily, the downtime concept is something it took me forever to get used to. Because I never had a traditional full-time job, I just kind of assumed that everybody but me was always "on" from 9 to 4:30, except for lunch, fingers clicking endlessly at the keys like they were machines. The older I got, the more I realized how silly that whole idea was. Nobody, outside of sweatshops, works like that. Working in an office is an awful lot more like taking care of a household than folks realize, I'd wager. And writer's block/time management is INCREDIBLY hard. I find posting on blogs and so forth very helpful because it gets me in the mood to write, loosens up my inhibitions. It's a lot like stretching before a workout. One of the reasons I did allnighters so long is because it minimizes distractions, but I'm getting better, over time, at working with distractions. What I've found is that when I have any idea what the hell I'm doing, I can resume work painlessly even if I'm pulled away from it, but that if I have no idea what the hell I'm doing next because of writer's block or what have you, I find it incredibly frustrating to be called away from my blank page. Watching the social life is also challenging. From late 2000 until early 2003, I had pretty much zero social life. It was my family and that was basically it. Emily, all of this tells me that those of us trying to make a career out of writing ought to network, because there are definitely some unique occupational hazards. Re motherhood: Anyone who kvetches about my cluttered house is welcome to go back to their own! I always thought that the whole old-school June Cleaver dusting the furniture every day thing was just a way of inventing rote work for women, to justify their relative imprisonment at home. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-01T04:25:46-06:00

ID

109679

Comment

Yep. I remember reading in Ms. YEARS ago is that the big secret has always been "Work is FUN!" Not 24/7 by any means, but not the pushing the plough the marketing towards women had led us to believe. Oh he's been working hard all day...fix him a martini and keep the kids quiet! We have come a long way in that regard.

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T11:20:24-06:00

ID

109680

Comment

Emily, I didn't realize it until I saw your post, but what I was buying into was _exactly_ the "fix him a martini and keep the kids quiet" sensibility--the propaganda hard-workin' men of a certain generation created for their adoring and very grateful "graciously submit to the servant leadership of..." housewives. Just one of those memes going around. Bed rest and lots of fluids and it'll clear right up! Do you still read Ms.? Great, great magazine. I can't believe how long my "I shouldn't read this, it's classified" sensibilities kept me away from it. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-01T12:19:33-06:00

ID

109681

Comment

The thing is, magazines like that perpetuate the same type of cultural aparthied (for lack of a better word coming forth) in our society. Whereas one nice thing about the south, is that our less-than white collar roots have buried in us one thing: You do the job you have to do. Certainly there might be a bit of ribbing, but if you have to do it, that's what you do.

Author

Ironghost

Date

2007-01-01T12:43:28-06:00

ID

109682

Comment

Ironghost, I love Ms. for many reasons. It covers world issues that we don't get in other media and the ads are to die for. I find products/books/music I'd never find in a mainstream media. I don't think it perpetuates an aparthied at all. When I read it, I don't get an overwhelming feeling of "damn the man," I get more of a "I'm not the only one who thinks/feels/wants this!" And the role of the woman in the household is more of a non-issue these days. Well, it is an issue, but in feminists circles, it's a given we do what we can do and what is needed, and both husband/wife/partner/whatever knows this too. And Bust is just funny. This issue's interview with Amy Pol (can't spell her last name) from SNL is priceless. She's hilarious!

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T13:19:05-06:00

ID

109683

Comment

Oh, also wanted to ask this. Ironghost, what do you think of this? My perspective has been as a mom, room mom, volunteer, etc. that when the full-time dads are around, they get praised up and down for how wonderful they are to spend time with the kids at school, or to run the errands....And then there's sometimes the "Oh let me handle that for you!" from moms to the dads. But for the moms, we are just doing the expected. Like homeroom mom has the same worth as breathing and eating. Hardly ever heard, "You are so wonderful to do this!" It was more, "Well of course you can do it, you don't have a job!" That's the example I'm speaking of from women. Does that make sense? Has it been your experience?

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T13:22:34-06:00

ID

109684

Comment

I think I understand what you're saying. It's the whole game of expectations again; we expect Dad to be at work 40+ hours a week, and therefore unfamiliar with the kids, family life, and in dire need of a martini or three. In contrast, it's hard to imagine for those who've never done it, trying to keep the house in order. People kept wanting to say "Oh, you're the Mom, huh?" to which I replied "No, I'm the Dad" in the tone of voice which lets the listener know my other response is three feet of very sharp steel. I have found the whole thing very interesting. Keeping the house from being mistaken as a garbage dump, keeping the kids healthy and the house in order is a lot to do, especially in this day and age. It's hard to realize how much work there is to do. Or how much we take it for granted that the other half does. It's still a new territory for Dad to be at home; we're in the same boat that Mom was when she went to work 30+ years ago.

Author

Ironghost

Date

2007-01-01T13:55:27-06:00

ID

109685

Comment

Just thought of something...the "work is fun" quote was from back in the day. Decades ago. Here's what cover stories are now: Ms. Stories of women called "We Had Abortions"-Not the stereotype mainstream would think Wage Discrimination-We're not getting raises because we don't ask. Touches on the "she-didn't-ask" of wage discrimination. Excerpt from Alice Walker's latest book Lots of Book Reviews and Recommendations Bust Scary Funny-Interview with Amy Poehler Teddy Girls-Fashion layout of British 50's fashion Soil Sisters-People who grow their own food Again movie reviews, book reviews, music reviews News From a Broad-How crisis pregnancy centers have cropped up over past two decades disguised as a planned parenthood type place to go for unplanned pregancies and birth control Bitch When Tyra Met Naomi-Race, fashion and rivalry...good one about how the industry pitted the two "token black" models against each other Sweet Nothings-Interview with Lyn Mikel Browna and Sharon Lamb on how girl power became girl marketing (good read for those appalled at the sexualization of young girls in fashion) Troop Therapy-How Girls Scouts are making themselves over (haven't read it yet) Banking on Women-Scrimping and sharing with Suze Orman Knot in Our Name-Piece about knitters/crafters/those who like "domestics" who are pitched as a return to a "women in the kitchen" culture where I learned "...as legend has it, enslaved African-American women stiched maps of the Underground Railroad into their quilts, which they hung in windows to guide slaves to freedom." All that said to say, current feminist media is not all about bashing men or creating a divide. Seriously. That's a myth propagated in a fear of feminism. I read these, and I read lots of other things too. But as long as we've got best-sellers like "FHM" and "Maxim" that only include a woman's thoughts if they are a good, hot poster girl, we need an outlet for LOTS of women's voices. Does that make sense?

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T14:04:11-06:00

ID

109686

Comment

Right! Also, thought of this earlier, I would imagine there's some judgement on the "man must be breadwinner/provider/protector." My husband was a single dad for many years...full-time. Fortunately he had a power that not many women have in that he was so valued at work he could say, "I'll work from 7:30-3:30 with no lunch to be home in time to be with my daughter." He was always able to "work from home" when school was out. (New job now so not that option so very much) But last Christmas, my son stayed with him over Christmas break while I was working. They made cookies, ornaments, bought the groceries, etc. I doubt he went back to work and bragged on these things because he's still too macho to let that guard down. But that machoism is probably what has put him in a position to make it to upper management. Such a Catch-22. Side note, and funny.... He was asked to leave JC Penney's once when he was shopping with his daughter. He was hanging around the dressing room while she tried on jeans. The assumed him a perv and kicked him out. When they realized the mistake they'd made, and that he was about to drop a load of cash on clothes, he was too offended to stay.

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T14:12:16-06:00

ID

109687

Comment

I can sympathize with the latter one, certainly. Men's magazines are barely literature in my view. They're marketed to the neo-barbarian crowd, the "I'm 18-25 and that's also my IQ!" crowd which thinks binge drinking is a hobby. I mean, you read the headlines on various men's and women's magazines and you'd begin to despair for the future of humanity as a sentient species. If you're not already, that is. :D

Author

Ironghost

Date

2007-01-01T15:01:11-06:00

ID

109688

Comment

I gotta head out in just a minute, so more later, but let me say that I concur with Emily re: Ms. and the fact that it does not encourage cultural apartheid. Modern feminism as a whole doesn't. I feel much more included reading Ms. than I do reading, say, Maxim. There are male feminists (such as myself), female feminists, male anti-feminists, and female anti-feminists (such as Phyllis Schlafly and, at times, Ann Coulter). During the 1970s, there was a "fuck 'em all" feminist movement vis-a-vis men, but that movement is basically dead now. I mean, the fact that I'm a statewide officer in NOW should tell you that. As far as Cosmo goes, I think there's something to be said for having women's spaces, but they don't ban male subscribers or anything. Personally, given the choice between a Cosmo or Redbook and a Maxim or Stuff, I'm going with the Cosmo or Redbook. Folks like myself, men who don't embrace machismo and women who don't embrace muliebrity, tend to be excluded on both sides of the gender essentialist divide. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-01T16:13:43-06:00

ID

109689

Comment

I've always viewed it as amusing, but totally unrelated to real life. I think if more people had been raised around a farm, there wouldn't be any question how much work women can do. As for magazines, ultimately they have issues to sell.

Author

Ironghost

Date

2007-01-01T16:28:25-06:00

ID

109690

Comment

:) Ironghost, love it. My Granny's house was a family farm. Shotgun house. Cornfield, cows, chickens, the works. And I tell you what, all the work Granny did, she STILL called the men first to dinner. Then children. Then women. But her ONE daughter of her big load of children is the one living on that farm now. She was the one taking care of her when she was sick. And she's the ONE, by God, who has all of Granny's quilts, cornbread skillets and recipes.

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-01T17:35:07-06:00

ID

109691

Comment

A Cornbread skillet is worth it's weight in gold, indeed. Which reminds me, I've got to brush up on my skills...

Author

Ironghost

Date

2007-01-01T18:40:58-06:00

ID

109692

Comment

The main blog?! Gosh, folks, I don't know what to say. I'm feeling the love! Cheers, Tom

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-02T11:58:21-06:00

ID

109693

Comment

Very good, Tom. What I hope I can eventually do is help many poor and hopeless children discern or discover that they can overcome the seemingly unalterable situations brought on by poor and uneducated parents, no fathers, no mothers, bad fathers, bad mothers, no parents, addicted parents, lack of love and self-esteem, bad neighborhoods, bad schools and so on along these lines. I believe I can be a great asset in this regard and I don't want to face the Almighty without having satisfied myself in this perspective. Beyond this, I just want to stay healthy, happy, and useful.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2007-01-02T13:05:56-06:00

ID

109694

Comment

Ray, I know you do some great work in this area and I'd love to work with you on it sometime--please remember me the next time you're looking for volunteers on a specific project. My work in this area has been laughably inadequate so far, but I aim to do much more. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-02T13:56:35-06:00

ID

109695

Comment

Yeah, Tom. Recently I partially fell through the second floor of my house by being careless. The person who fixed the roof starting to talking about the 12 boys he singularly mentors despite having 2 children of his own. He even started a summer basketball league with them and personally defrayed all the expenses without any help. Many of the guys stays at his house during the season. he told me he's overheard them many times saying they wish they had a daddy like him. None of his mentorees have fathers at home with them. Mind you, this guy is only a painter. He only charged me a fourth of what I expected or assumed i would be charged since people often erroneously think I'm rich. I'm going to show up this summer at the beginning of the season and help him pay the cost of his program. This story reminded me so clearly how what is missing in most situations is not too little money, but too little committment. I had both parents and other relatives who loved me but I sought to achieve things they couldn't see or imagine for themselves or me. I waded throught and found my way beyond the mere circumstances I was born into. I'm supposed to pass it on.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2007-01-02T14:16:55-06:00

ID

109696

Comment

Hey, Tom. I certainly remember the martini bar at the ACLU function. They would have certainly made anyone on 12 steps fall off. "Happiness, for me, is the whole picture." I can really appreciate your point. I believe the happiest times I have had occured without the presence of money or everyday conveniences. When I studied in India I often found myself in the presence of the poorest of the poor, yet they had the greatest wealth in spirit and a strong appreciation for life. That experience made me look at my personal relationships in an entirely new light and I think I am the better for it. For 2007, I resolve to simply do more and learn more.

Author

Will Jemison

Date

2007-01-02T22:30:07-06:00

ID

109697

Comment

I missed a martini bar by missing the ACLU party?!? I resolve to attend the ACLU party next year. This ain't your weird uncle's ACLU, I tell you that. ;-)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2007-01-02T22:31:45-06:00

ID

109698

Comment

Oh yeah, and lose 20 lbs!

Author

Will Jemison

Date

2007-01-02T22:33:26-06:00

ID

109699

Comment

Yes, Donna. You missed one hell of a bar. The bartenders really earned their tips that night.

Author

Will Jemison

Date

2007-01-02T22:36:07-06:00

ID

109700

Comment

Harumph. Oh well; the iTodd and I had business in Memphis that day. Couldn't be helped. Glad it was a fun party. Hell, even Cargill was there. As well he should be.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2007-01-02T23:08:41-06:00

ID

109701

Comment

emily wrote My perspective has been as a mom, room mom, volunteer, etc. that when the full-time dads are around, they get praised up and down for how wonderful they are to spend time with the kids at school, or to run the errands....And then there's sometimes the "Oh let me handle that for you!" from moms to the dads. My husband gets this *all* the time. It seems that since he knows his kids' names and birthdays, he's Father of the Year around here. I had to train our school to thank the *parents* who volunteer for school stuff, rather than all the *moms*.

Author

kate

Date

2007-01-03T12:05:43-06:00

ID

109702

Comment

Yes the fellows seem to have it made in this society. My grandkids love me for mostly playing with them and being "funny" (making jokes) as my granddaughter calls it. Yet the wife does most, almost all, sometimes, of the work toward them. I know it's wrong and I do try to do about half of it. My wife is the real disciplinarian and I'm the friend which also makes me the favorite. In the interest of trying to present me as a strong father figure to them since the real daddy doesn't do anything, the wife makes the mistake of telling them financial things I provide. My advice is to tell them we provide it equally. Ladies, we can't help it that we were born kings - someone to look up to whether deserved or not. Who the man?

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2007-01-03T13:17:44-06:00

ID

109703

Comment

Okay, goal setting here. 1. More productive writing. Find places outside of the home office to do this. I also need to create an area in my home that is *my* work space. 2. Get out more. This is the hardest for me, but it's got to be done. Finding a reliable kidsitter goes with this goal. I welcome any recommendations for that! 3. Organize this new house. I'm still not completely unpacked from the wedding/move in. I can't live in transition like this anymore. This is harder than it seems with the blended family. 4. Take care of my health. Say no when I need to. Keep the stretches, walking, excercising to take care of my spine. 5. Cook. Because I want to. I enjoy cooking. And I'll cook more than just what I know the kids will like. Time for them to try newer things. 6. Make time for volunteer work again that is outside of just volunteering at *my* kid's school. I'm working on the one year goals, five year and lifetime. I do this several times each year.

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-03T13:30:13-06:00

ID

109704

Comment

Will, I'd love to hear more about the India trip--it sounds like there could be a JFP column in that. And you are SO right about the martini bar. Hell, it was so good that it had me drinking hard liquor--think about that, folks! Ray, a lot of your post applies to white folk as a group, too--born kings and in many cases wondering what the hell to do with that. Oscar Wilde did a story about a little prince who had been given all of these ornate gifts--a pearl-encrusted crown, a fur cloak, and so forth--and then after having a dream about how they were made (the pearl divers who died for their prince; the hunters and animals who died getting the fur; etc.), he gave it all away. Where we're privileged--you and I as men and heterosexuals, me as a white man on top of that--we don't really have the option of giving it away. Rims Barber said at the church segregation panel in December 2005 that unless we nice comfy upper- and middle-income white folks live in a shotgun shack in west Jackson and subsist on a low income, we are all, at best, recovering racists. At the time I thought that was a harsh comment, but since then I've come to the conclusion that he was actually being optimistic. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-03T14:13:01-06:00

ID

109705

Comment

And Emily, I love your new year's resolutions! It's been a long time since I wrote five-year and lifetime plans, but maybe this is a good year for it. I do seem to be a at a definite crossroads in my life, and I already know enough to know that I will end 2007 a completely different person than I began it, that it will be more transformative than 2005 or 2006, both of which fundamentally changed who I am. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2007-01-03T14:15:21-06:00

ID

109706

Comment

1. I, too would love to find a book club 2. Maw Maw's cornbread skillets are definitely treasures. I hope I will get at least one when she goes. I don't always make resolutions, but these are the things I've come up with for this year so far: *Get back into a regular gym routine - I lost about 15-20 pounds over a year ago and have kept most of it off, but I am feeling floppy lately. *Stop being discontent with my current station in life. That's all it is, the current one -- things will change when they're supposed to, and it's not that bad right now, anyway! *Pay off some nagging bills *Spoil the crap out of my new niece, who will be born this month. :) And by the way, I've never been a mom, period, but I can imagine that I would be the one needing a martini after juggling kids, housework, errands, etc. all day, let alone a job at home, too!

Author

andi

Date

2007-01-03T14:50:14-06:00

ID

109707

Comment

I continue my eternal vow to tell my husband and my children at least once a day that I love them: to try to give a good word to someone along the way every day who may need it: and to try and be a positive influence in my little corner of the world. I don't make resolutions. If I did, getting healthier would be first. :)

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-01-03T16:36:28-06:00

ID

109708

Comment

andi, let's just go ahead and start the book club. i've been looking for one too. let's just do it!

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-01-03T17:36:39-06:00

ID

109709

Comment

Book clubs rock. However, since I know in advance I will not have the time to read or contribute, then it makes no sense to resolve to do it. After all, I already know this resolution is doomed to fail. :( But best of luck! If I can pop in, I will.

Author

Lady Havoc

Date

2007-01-03T17:55:26-06:00

ID

109710

Comment

that sounds good to me!! i might have a friend or two that would be interested, too... i'll email you :)

Author

andi

Date

2007-01-04T09:31:21-06:00