Ellington

I don't recollect ever being one in my younger age who made notoriously teenage comments like, "I can't wait until I'm grown" or "Just as soon as I leave the house I'm gonna. ..." (My mother may beg to differ, but I'm relying strictly on memory here.) I'm definitely grown now, and I would give adulthood and the responsibilities I don't like back in a heartbeat, if I could. I can't, so onward I must go.

It took me a really long time to find my niche in this world. I had this horrible knack for comparing myself to the folks in my inner circle. You see, one of my friends just started a residency, two are applying for residency programs, two have MBAs, and one is working on a Ph.D in pharmacology. Me? I went to college with the intention of going to law school, but I changed my mind. I got quite a number of hours towards a master's in marriage and family therapy under my belt, then I quit the program.

When I thought about it, I was the loser out of my group of friends—naturally, I tried not to think about it. It's really not that I was a loser, though. All of those academic elitist friends of mine have always known exactly what they wanted to do with their lives. I can't say that. I wasn't born to be a doctor, lawyer or Indian chief. I was created to express myself.

I've always been interested in a plethora of things. If my two feet could manage walking down four dusty vocational roads at one time, I'd let them. They won't, though. So, there I stood, for a long time—years, perhaps—trying to decide what dusty occupational trail I would take.

Decorating. Love it. Music. Breathe it. Fashion. Own it. Writing … well, writing was different. Writing helped me discover myself. There are thoughts I wasn't even aware I had until I put them on paper, and feelings I didn't know existed until they bled from my pen.

One day, reason unknown, the thought crept into my mind that I would find a way to incorporate all the things I loved: learning, exploring, processing. One of the most obvious ways to do that for me is writing, but I'd never considered it an attainable profession for myself. I made vain attempts at discounting these thoughts, but they haunted me.

Fast forward to January 2006.

I interviewed for the assistant to the editor's position, here at the JFP. I thought it was at least a way to get my foot in the door and see exactly what this writing for a living thing looked like. In my first meeting with Donna, I was the most assertive I've ever been in an interview. I sold myself and made it known that I was interested in writing. I didn't allow myself to live inside my head, analyzing my every word, and I took a risk.

I'd put my newfound dream out into the universe. It worked.

I tried to juggle all the balls that were thrown at me being Donna's assistant (which is no easy task—she has more balls than most women I know), but not once did I let my desire to write and learn more about this business be shadowed.

Now, here I sit, writing my first-ever editor's note. Wow—I had to take a deep breath after I typed that. This month, with my promotion to assistant editor, my responsibilities increased dramatically and so did my level of stress. Speaking of stress, this issue has just about worn me to down to the quick. I never realized how easily problems were willing to arise just because I had my fingers crossed that they wouldn't. I never realized that I could get so nervous.

Did I assign enough stories? Are my ideas good enough? Did I sound too mean when I called that writer and left another message about that missed deadline? Do these people think I'm incompetent?

Donna and I often talk about how the 20s are made for questioning yourself. Just the other day, as a matter of fact, a talk we had helped me more than she could know.

I already know that this writing thing just may, indeed, be for me, but I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do next with it. Like I said, enthusiasm and interest have never been a problem for me. Direction and focus, however, are my issues. As we talked, she offered me possibilities for growth, and affirmed some of the ideas about where I'd like to go with my writing.

Next month, I'll be taking my first step outside the box in that direction with my writing. I'll be headed to the Poynter Institute, in Florida, a leading school of journalism in the country, to a seminar called "Covering Race & Immigration."

I expect to learn a great deal from this experience. There just has to be something I can take away from a seminar dedicated to the exploration of, and writing about race. I will also be bringing something to the proverbial table myself. I've learned a great deal about writing from Donna and Brian the months I've worked at the paper. That's compounded by the fact that I'm a black woman, who graduated from a predominately white college, in the heart of a city that's predominately black, who watches so many of my neighbors be treated more like pawns by public officials, rather than people.

I have a lot to say about race. Hopefully, the folks at Poynter will teach me how to say it more effectively.

Over the past few days, I've definitely questioned myself. Gratefully, for some of those questions, I had answers. And for those I didn't, who says I'll even have the answers to them in my 30s? I've come to really understand something, lately. You really don't have to have it all figured out. I didn't, and look where it got me—the humble beginnings of a career.

By the way, I take it back. Being grown ain't half bad, but it ain't for the faint at heart.

Natalie Collier planned and edited the 2006 Annual Manual.

Previous Comments

ID

73416

Comment

Congrats girlfriend!!! I was supposed to go to law school too.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-08-23T18:38:50-06:00

ID

73417

Comment

Don't worry Natalie, you're doing just fine, and you're still young. Life rarely turn out exactly the way we want it to, all the time. The key is never giving up. I wanted most of all to be a musician. I still want to be one. If I could start over again I would still pursue music instead. However, my musician cousins who have played with all kinds of famous musicians all over the country and world, all, think everything worked out the best for me by becoming what I did. They wished they had defaulted like I have despite loving music like we all do. Most musicians have a rough and financially challenging existence. After fate killed my chance of becoming a great musician, I decided I wanted to be a professional baseball player. I had a lots of natural talent that everyone easily noticed. A professional scout from the Montreal Expos came to my High School twice to see me. I was afraid I wasn't good enough to make the big league so I chose my beloved Tougaloo College, the safer route instead. For almost 4 years I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. I realized the last semester of college that I wasn't cut out for that profession because I'm very impatient and can't stand failure. So I defaulted into going to law school at the last minute. You're not along in your predicament. You're more normal than you realize. I predict you'll find happiness and satisfaction someday that your friends may not because you took time to find and learn youself first. My son still hasn't found or learned himself yet, and I've told him many times should he ever do so please let me know quickly because I would like to meet him before I die. Smile. Before I got settled I wished many times I was 12 again and back at home playing in the barn, yard, or neighborhood. I was then in dreamland and without any real worries and concerns. I knew who I was back then - a 12 year old with no great worries or concerns or tasks to complete. Good things are ahead. Go for it with zeal and glee. Good luck. Inspiring and refective column.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-08-24T11:38:31-06:00

ID

73418

Comment

I should add that for the last ten years or so I have been quitely entertaining the idea of becoming a writer. Y'all know I'm pathetic at it right now, but I might get better, and one day pen something worth writing and reading.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-08-24T11:50:34-06:00

ID

73419

Comment

Brilliant column, Natalie! I can't wait to read more from you. And big congratulations on your promotion to Assistant Editor.

Author

kate

Date

2006-08-24T11:57:02-06:00

ID

73420

Comment

Great article, Natalie! The JFP has added another star to the crown. I look forward to reading more from you. This is so inspiring! Ray Carter, I laughed when I read "I wished many times I was 12 again and back at home playing in the barn, yard, or neighborhood. My grandma said this: "Once you take your FEET from under your parents table - THAT IS YOUR NATURAL A$$. Somehow, we survive!

Author

justjess

Date

2006-08-24T12:24:58-06:00

ID

73421

Comment

Justjess, when 12 years old, the things I looked forward to the most were lunch and dinner time. Then I messed around and grew up and realized lunch and dinner weren't automatic or even promised unless I did something to make it happen. This likely is the moment I first realized the big wide world can be a cold, cruel, and damaging place to exist. Natalie will have great stories to tell because the circumstances of life and the world are forcing her to see and reconcile them as she travels through life. Some people delay growing up and becoming awaken through inebriation of all sorts, but I don't get the impression Natalie is the type to do that. Waking up early can be a great blessing.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-08-24T13:06:09-06:00

ID

73422

Comment

It's funny, Ray. I always talk about how amazingly smart my friends are (and they are), but they think I'm so smart. I thought I just liked to know a little bit about a lot. We've determined that smarts come in different packages. And they're all important packages. (Sometimes I can be so elementary it's embarassing!) I appreciate you all for your encouragement. I look forward to the challenges this position will offer me (both profesionally and personally). James Baldwin said something something that speaks to my heart. "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." I don't know if he was talking about romantic love or not, but it certainly says a lot about growth to me. Growth: I'm all about it. By the way, I've always wanted to be a jewel in a crown. :)

Author

nacollier

Date

2006-08-26T00:20:03-06:00

ID

73423

Comment

I finally settled myself down long enough to read your article, and I am SO glad I did. I can relate to a lot of what you were saying about finding your niche in life. I had wnted to be an artist throughout my entire childhood, and I picked art as a major when I enrolled at Tougaloo. When I told people who knew me what my major was, they didn't seem very enthusiastic. Most folks assumed that I would be pre-med or go into engineering or something like that since I always made mostly A's in school. Then I heard the term "starving artist" and freaked out because I thought I would create all this art and not be able to sell it, or I would have a hard time finding a job in the art industry if I wanted to work for someone else without leaving the state. I loved computers too, and I wanted to combine my love for art and computers by doing computer graphics, like cartoons and things like that. After I got my scholarship and enrolled, I wanted to major in art and minor in computer science, but that option was not offered. There was the math with a computer science emphasis major, but no computer science major, so I dove into the math since I always made high grades in math and thought I would do fine. I also told myself that I would just take some art courses on the side since a dual major would probably kill me. After all, if my GPA went below a 3.5, I would lose my scholarship, and I didn't want to lose it. I also told myself that I would not change my major no matter what because I wanted to get my bachelor's in four years. Besides, computer programming pays well, right? That's a steady income, right? I could just always do that and have a regular check. Well, I got the degree after nearly losing my mind, and I realize now that I should have either major in art like I planned or switched to English/Journalism. I'm too much of a free spirit to just have a desk job with an ID badge. Oddly enough, if I didn't end up on disability, I would have never realized this and would have been miserable for the rest of my life.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-08-27T23:04:06-06:00

ID

73424

Comment

Great article girl!!! I know I've always said you could successfully do anything with your variety of talents....it's wonderful to see you've found an outlet to use them all. You're doing a fantastic job JFP. Even though we can't watch tv over the phone like we used to, I'm glad that people are beginning to find out what a wonderful asset you are where you go. I wish you all the best in life but more importantly I wish you happiness in whatever you do. It's strange how life works out at times...we just have to roll with the punches.

Author

analog girl in a digital world

Date

2006-08-29T13:16:43-06:00

ID

73425

Comment

Analog girl in a digital world -- I just dig your screen name. Ever heard the song 'The Analog Kid"? I thought you might appreciate the lyrics. http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rush/the+analog+kid_20119868.html

Author

GLB

Date

2006-08-29T13:21:12-06:00

ID

73426

Comment

I finally read this article as well--hectic week--and now I wish I'd read it when it was first up! Amazing stuff. You are such a wonderful asset to this city, and I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be reading Natalie Collier's work for a long, long time. Cheers, Tom

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-08-29T13:30:39-06:00

ID

73427

Comment

oh no oh no, another young talent leaving Jackson! Donna, how can this be? i have not read all the posts, but will. but still, let's not just send them off somewhere and hope they come back. who was the latest one... has she returned? As for growing, it never ends. As for law school, my daughter is there, it does not help the heart. Writing is a tough thing, tough as beans. More than art or music because it puts your whole persona out there. Love the Baldwin quote. It reminds me of one I don't recall, by my favorite Buddhist Pema Chodron. Well, great minds are together on the whole life thing.

Author

sunshine

Date

2006-08-29T18:38:19-06:00

ID

73428

Comment

sunshine writes: oh no oh no, another young talent leaving Jackson! Donna, how can this be? My reading is that she's just attending a seminar, not leaving Jackson--but I could be wrong! Baldwin and Chodron both rock, BTW. You have good taste in quotations! Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-08-29T18:53:13-06:00

ID

73429

Comment

No, no, attending an intensive week-long seminar. Don't worry! Otherwise, hey y'all. I've been out on holiday. Turns out a sick holiday, but a holiday nevertheless. And, Good Lord, the shenanigans Meltons pulls when I'm away from my desk. I've told y'all this mess would turn violent. I fear we're not done. But more on that on a different thread. Cheers to Natalie. She's a rock star. ;-D

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-08-29T19:28:15-06:00