Ellington

"To understand the world, you must first understand a place like Mississippi."
— William Faulkner

I love this place. This state, I mean. I love the fact my neighbors showed up the day after Katrina with chainsaws in hand because they noticed a tree blocking my car in the driveway. I love my mamaw, and I love her cooking. I love the orange blossoms that are still blooming outside my friend's apartment in October.

I love the week the Mississippi State Fair visits, because reminiscent of "Something Wicked This Way Comes," it always blows in with the first cool breeze that breaks the summer heat. Ilove ferris wheels chasing sweater days into the Deep South. I love this state, its people, its two-and-a-half seasons and the "Where are your people from?" game. "My people" are all from 'round here.

A few years ago, I tossed around the idea of moving. I just wanted to be somewhere that felt less constricting to me, somewhere I could breathe and espouse my less-than-conservative viewpoints about how the world should work. I am an idealist at heart. I felt suffocated here amidst the same traditions that make it home. I used to tell people that Mississippi Mud doesn't just settle in the Delta, it settles in your chest. It will break your heart and make you understand the idea of beautiful.

I have found that most people have a conflicted view of the wonderful traditions of Mississippi. It is something that both saves us and traps us. William Faulkner used to claim that one of the best weapons a writer can have in their arsenal is an internal conflict concerning his place of birth. I feel that conflict when I speak out against institutional racism in this state and embrace the passion of Mississippi residents to help others. I feel that conflict both working in social services and being part of a creative community. That conflict seems to make daily life a little harder, a little more real to me.

There comes a time in every progressive Mississippian's life where you must decide to stay, or to flee. I had mine a few years ago. Besides my protests of the absolute wrong parts of this state being punctuated by the statement "Why don't you just leave then?" from more conservative friends, I truly felt tired. I was dating a man that lived in Colorado and was seeing "fleeing" as a viable option.

I could be somewhere else espousing my Pro-Woman, Anti-Racist sentiments. I could be somewhere else screaming about Old White Men. I could be somewhere becoming the irrational, hot-headed Italian woman my friends know me to be. I could be somewhere else, making my life, and the life of every Mississippi conservative, a little easier.

I struggled with the idea of staying versus leaving. After months of turning the idea over in my mind, I decided that only cowards leave. I would not run away from my home. I would stay and try to change it. I would find some way to keep the good and get rid of the bad. I will find some way for people to begin to understand one another without hundreds of years of hate behind them. I will dream for it. I will hold a vision of a better tomorrow. I will fight for the Mississippi that could be. This fight isn't about politics or agendas. This fight is about me taking it personally when people wish to turn back the clock on improvements to my home. This is about me standing up and saying, "This is my place, too." You see, this is my place too.

I love this place. I love the first fall days where the sky is so clear you can see straight through to the heavens, and the air feels like it just got a good scrubbing and was wrung out and hung on a line to dry. I love the fact that despite my best efforts, my Mama-taught manners still kick in around old people and babies. I love fall festivals and humid Southern nights. I love Mississippi. I love its people. I love its traditions, and I will fight for it until I am no longer able. Besides, I can't imagine waking up and not wondering if the weather is going to be hot, or hot.

My passion for life is inextricably tied to the passion I feel for this state. My fight, it seems, is to always be here. It would not be found baptizing myself in a different culture that feels safer, but ultimately foreign. It is found at home. It is found in the Delta of my youth and the fields in which I ran. It is found on the capitol lawn and in our rich artistic culture. It is found within me.

I am Mississippi—whether Mississippi is ready for me or not.

Previous Comments

ID

70900

Comment

Interesting article. My informal survey reveals not many young Mississippi women feel this way. They erroneously think the grass is always greener elsewhere. Time will eventually prove them wrong. You're well ahead of the game. But what if Tom Cruise says "Ali, I love you, and want you to move to California so we can be together at all times?" Do you still stay in Mississippi? What if the New York Times or Post offers you a wonderful job as a feature writer or columnist?

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-10-20T12:12:14-06:00

ID

70901

Comment

Ray has a point, Ali--Tom Cruise is an Operating Thetan level 6, and those don't grow on trees! Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2005-10-20T12:16:49-06:00

ID

70902

Comment

Ray-moot point. You can WRITE from anywhere. ;) Tom Cruise scares me. Seriously.

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-20T12:17:59-06:00

ID

70903

Comment

Tom re: Cruise No, they don't grow on trees....they grow on unsuspecting 26-year-old Catholic women...then, they implant them with alien spawn.

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-20T12:18:58-06:00

ID

70904

Comment

Ray- If you want a serious answer to that question here it is. I've traveled a lot. The thing I have found out is that I operate better in an environment where I get to butt heads. It gets tiring and I do feel alone sometimes. But, I have a good support system. I function in a pretty insular, liberal environment (this includes work, friends, and family). Because of that strong base I feel comfortable enough to put myself out there. I struggled with leaving until I realized that if I can be happy HERE, then I will never have to look for happiness in a "place". Being happy is about finding something inside yourself that makes you feel at home. Red state/blue state....whatever. Doesn't really matter. At least that's my opinion on it. And, that took some time and some soul searching. ;) As the great philosopher "Aerosmith" says...."Its a journey...not a destination..."

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-20T12:23:12-06:00

ID

70905

Comment

It's been almost 2 years now since I returned to MS after living in Tampa, FL for 10 years. I had to leave to truly appreciate where I come from. I'm back to join the fight.

Author

Steph

Date

2005-10-20T12:25:15-06:00

ID

70906

Comment

Tom Cruise scares me. Seriously. Agreed, Ali. I used to think he was adorable with his little BVDs and his air guitar. Now, I just think he's creepy-as-sh!t with his scientology and his baby-mama. Icky. BTW, I cried when I read this column the first time. I get it. And, Ali, I'm glad you didn't have to leave for 18 years to discover that you are Mississippi. I suspect this will speak to all Mississippi progressives (which is loosely defined here; means anything that's not that ignorant, angry-closed-mindedness that keeps this state on the bottom). But try being a progressive woman here who wants to speak up and help her state. The Stupid Ones have made that even harder (in the past). I can only imagine being a progressive black woman from Mississippi. But, the truth is, it is our time. Anybody who says that "we" are carpetbaggers or need to leave because we don't agree with their back-a$$ ideas, or selective morality (the homophobes who cheat on their wives spring to mind), can burn in hades as far as I'm concerned. I, too, am Mississippi. And so, so proud of that fact. As I like to say, I'm going from Jackson.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-10-20T12:26:00-06:00

ID

70907

Comment

Did you hear the rumor about Tom Cruise? He's straight!

Author

allred

Date

2005-10-20T12:27:38-06:00

ID

70908

Comment

On this topic, did y'all see this posting on Todd's blog? I'd be curious to hear what you think of the comments out there about Mississippi. One thing that bugs me is the sheer ignorance on the part of so many progressives out there that there is such a vibrant progressive community in Mississippi ... and growing by the day.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-10-20T12:28:04-06:00

ID

70909

Comment

I felt the same way, Ladd. One of the comments said something about "I wonder if there are any southerners that actually blog"....um, HELLO??? Their ignorance of us pisses me off. They are so quick to judge without knowing there are liberals here that don't think that way. The more I read the comments the angrier I got. I don't deny some of the things they discuss, but it just smacks with this "let's educate the poor ignorant white people."

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-20T12:40:40-06:00

ID

70910

Comment

We die with the dying: See, they depart, and we go with them. We are born with the dead: See, they return, and bring us with them. The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree Are of equal duration. A people without history Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails On a winter's afternoon, in a secluded chapel History is now and England. With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this Calling We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. -- T.S. Eliot, from "Four Quartets"

Author

Tom Head

Date

2005-10-20T12:43:02-06:00

ID

70911

Comment

As for arrogant northern progressives: Learned to ignore them. The north has as many problems as the south. It always cracks me up when someone in Vermont or somewhere equally white brags about being antiracist. The thread on Kos annoyed me, though I've read worse. Wonder if this is a teachable moment--"Hey, people, here are five progressive bloggers in Jackson, Mississippi..." Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2005-10-20T12:45:18-06:00

ID

70912

Comment

Well having been born and raised in Mississippi, "Colleged" in Alabama, and employed in Georgia (I guess Atlanta is still Georgia), I claim all three of the Deep South states as home. But, if I won lotto on Friday...I'd be back in Jackson on Monday. Click those leather wing tips together and repeat.......There's no place like home, there's no place like home.........there's no place....like home. I've never had a door closed on me because I was from Mississippi. When I tell people of my origins, up and down the east coast they want to know all about it. There is a mystique to the place, you have to admit.

Author

ATLExile

Date

2005-10-20T14:30:20-06:00

ID

70913

Comment

Went to that blog. A third of it degenerated into old history and conspiracy theory crap (Lincoln, Civil War, Axis Powers, Natchez???) As for the rest.......same ole dog....brand new bone..... You guy's just keep up the very good work. Ali, thank you for that post. I too am Mississippi.....................don't forget about the spoungy feel of St Augustine grass under your feet first thing in the morning when you run out to get the paper......I don't have that over here. But I pushed many a lawn mower over it when I was a boy....on Wild Valley Drive.

Author

ATLExile

Date

2005-10-20T15:09:17-06:00

ID

70914

Comment

I concur with all. I stayed gone for 12 years. Always wished I was still here.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-10-20T15:33:00-06:00

ID

70915

Comment

This talk reminds me of the time that another Columbia professor spoke to my book-writing class there. Sometime mentioned Rick Bragg's memoir about his mother and that professor scrunched up his face and said in a child's voice, "It was just mama-this and mama-that." I believe it was at that very moment that I decided to come on back home and live and toil for the future among my own people. Truth is, there are f*ck-faces everywhere. I still love New York City, but I also love Mississippi. And I can now look at both with an honest gaze. This is home, this is where my mama and my daddy and my other daddy and my brother are buried, and this is where my blood, sweat and tears belong.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-10-20T15:44:24-06:00

ID

70916

Comment

Well, I think a friend of mine said it best last week when I let him read the column "This is a strange, beautiful, and eff'd up place, but its OUR strange, beautiful and eff'd up place." I loved it.

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-20T15:51:22-06:00

ID

70917

Comment

I double love anyone from Mississippi who can love New York. Two of my best friends are from Brooklyn. I've been there many times. Still haven't found the love. The first time I went I spent many hours trying to figure out how to leave immediately. I thanked God almost all night that I grew up in Mississippi. I have always said I'd take a trailer house in the Mississippi woods any day over living in New York City. As I rode the subway from Manhattan to Brooklyn I noticed a stark contrast in appearances including the amount of lighting. I made sure I didn't open my mouth and reveal my southern accent. Despite that, a passenger obviously read my face and asked me, "how long you been visiting?" I later took and aunt and uncle there for vacation. My aunt wouldn't even get out of the car. Once she saw all of those people, she was ready to go. Hurrah for little old Mississippi.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-10-20T16:10:40-06:00

ID

70918

Comment

I wish sometimes I had the same sentiments about my home. I can't really go back to Pennsylvania. It's not the same. Family and friends are scattered all over the country now. All I have are memories. I enjoy your work, sis Ali. Peace, love & universal understanding. Stiggers

Author

Stiggers

Date

2005-10-21T15:39:04-06:00

ID

70919

Comment

Mississippi is different than lots of places. One of my Brooklyn friends came here to attend Tougaloo College. He went on to MIT and now is an electrical engineer at Goddard Space Center in the Washington D.C. where he helps design satellites. He loves Mississippi and comes here two or three times a year. I expect him to marry a Mississippi girl next year. Had he been able to find a job here that matched his unique talents I believe he would have moved here pemanently. I doubt he's the typical New Yorker but Mississippi can have a great effect on you. He jokes Mississippi doesn't have anything, and New York has more of everything than any place else. When I and other friends visit New York with him, every time we see something bad or negative, we simply say "You said New York has more of everything than anybody else. Now, we see you were correct." It hard to explain why I love Mississippi. Maybe it's because of so few distractions, family, humble spirits, the woods, lakes, southern women. Maybe it's because we have just enough of evrything but not too much of anything. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I do know that Morgan Freeman, who can live anyway, also loves it, and many more.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-10-21T16:07:42-06:00

ID

70920

Comment

Stiggers-Thank you. That was so sweet and means a lot to me. Ever see Garden State where the guy says "Maybe home is just an idea that people miss." That means you can always make a new one. :) Ray- I hear you on the Mississippi women thing. Although I wouldn't know personally...I hear they can be quite somethin'. The guy from Colorado that I talked in the column wouldn't date anything BUT southern women. :) I respect the hell out of Morgan Freeman for staying here and doing good things. If I met the man it would be like meeting the President for me. There's something about him that I just think is unbelievable-beyond his talent. Part of it is the way he holds himself. The other part may have something to do with just living what he preaches. I don't know. I just like it.

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-21T16:17:15-06:00

ID

70921

Comment

Ali, I'm going to argue with you here, which I know will make you happy. As for me, I wouldn't trade my 18 years living elsewhere for anything. I think more mississippians need to leave for a while, to get some perspective. Especially the smug folks who believe that "the way *we've* always done it" is the only way to do it. Everyone needs to move away from home for a time, and go someplace where they are an outsider, to get some perspective. It's true of everyone, not just mississippians. I cannot tell you the number of Californians who don't know *anything* east of the Sierras, and live very sheltered lives there. Being able to get out of your comfort zone, and be forced to reexamine everything is a gift to be treasured, not something to hide from. I mean, how else would I have learned that it's possible to be considered conservative because I didn't want public money to be used giving public employees sex change operations? Mississippi's got some good things going for it, but I don't think we need to encourage people to stay here their whole lives. For me, leaving and returning were the way to go. And now, I don't feel like living my life with my views and attitudes is such a *fight*. I know what I know, and when people tell me that i'm some insane liberal, I just kind of roll my eyes and think, "you don't even know what you are talking about." Makes me ultimately less defensive, and more able to just live here. And, by leaving, I mean *leaving*, not moving to Birmingham or something.

Author

kate

Date

2005-10-22T08:27:30-06:00

ID

70922

Comment

Yeah, my 18 years away certainly helped widen my frame of reference -- and toughened me up to come back and wrangle with the N-JAMmers, and see them for what they are. Which is ... not much more than hot air. (Being that they're the ones who make the noise to run off independent thinkers in the first place. Remember "state of mind" we're talking here.) But I sure have known people who have stayed and fought the "worthy scrap" who are, quite simply, my heroes now. And they didn't suffer for not leaving. And I know some people who left and came back who just as big of dumbasses now as they would've been had they never left. So I think it depends. Perhaps the thing it depends on the most is whether someone is looking to widen the perspective through wide thought, love of diversity, good books and newspapers, travel whenever possible ... or whether what they really want is the status quo their daddies told them was rightly theirs ... or whether they believe more in complaining than action. Ultimately, though, I believe all of us can agree that the "staying" Ali refers to can apply both to those of us who never "left," as well as those of us who fled and woke up one day and realized our energies are better spent right here in our home state. Now, I have a massage to get to. ;-D

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-10-22T08:41:53-06:00

ID

70923

Comment

Two quotes that I keep thinking of in this conversation: "I discovered that my own little postage stamp of native soil was worth writing about and that I would never live long enough to exhaust it, and by sublimating the actual into apocryphal I would have complete liberty to use whatever talent I might have to its absolute top." -- William Faulkner "A wise man's country is the world." -- Aristippus the Cyrenaic I can't say for sure I'll never live outside of Mississippi, but I can say I don't really plan on it. There is no such thing as a perfect cosmopolitan; nothing I ever do will let me completely embrace the experience of the entire world. (Certainly not the world of the poor in developing countries, of whom there are many.) But there is such a thing as a cosmopolitan attitude, and I think it's probably just as easy to have one here as it is in New York or Paris. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2005-10-22T13:08:11-06:00

ID

70924

Comment

Kate I actually agree with what you say. I think perspective should be gained however you can get it. If it requires you to leave, then go. I went to the Delta yesterday to visit family and friends and pulled out of there like my ass was on fire after a couple of interactions that just hit me wrong. But, after getting upset about them I had to reexamine some things that *I* was bringing to the situation. Sometimes people need to move to open their eyes. Sometimes people need life experiences to open their eyes. I don't care how you get it, I'm just a big fan of EYES BEING OPEN. I do know that I was afforded a lot of opportunities to travel and visit with cultures unlike ours growing up. That continues to this day. The one thing I've learned is that if *I* am uncomfortable, then I probably doing something that's good for my development. In the article I spoke about the guy I dated in Colorado. I spent a lot of time in Boulder those two years. I both loved it and hated it. I loved the fact that when I spoke about my beliefs a lot of other people were going to agree with it. But, I never could get used to the droves of unwashed masses on Pearl St. in downtown Boulder holding clipboards trying to get me to sign something so that we could SAVE THE AIR. ;) It was experiences like that where I truly started to weigh staying versus leaving. Its also experiences like that which made me understand there are exchanges you make wherever you live. I'm also not really defensive about being "liberal"...(Right now I'm hating that word. Simply because its become such a tag word with Delay and the rest of them spitting it out like they just digested the devil and are burping up the parts that didn't sit well with them.) I had to sit with my father last month and listen to him laud GWB like he was Jesus come home again and didn't get defensive at all. That's my dad's reality. He understands that. Me getting into a fight with him isn't going to change it. But, I live my life according to different beliefs. I believe that doing that, and doing it well, is the best way that I can show there are other ways to do things. That there is a way that honors people and their culture. There is a way that honors all of us. Conservative and liberal. I think that is more of the point. Wherever you get the idea that all people have their own ideas, and that all people have the right to them...well, I'm a big fan of that. Whether it happens here in Mississippi...or somewhere north of the Mason Dixon line.

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-10-23T08:00:19-06:00

ID

70925

Comment

You women are so smart. Much smarter than us. For many years, Mississippi was such an awful place for most black people that droves eventually left. As a young boy I used to get mad at my daddy for not carrying us away, too. When I got old enough to leave, I was uncomfortable doing so. After leaving, the ghost of my ancestors seemed to always beckon me back. I couldn't ever truly shake that call to return. I even kissed the ground the first time I returned. Before leaving Mississippi I rarely had seen or interacted with other races of people. Mississippi didn't afford me that opportunity. I was so green and uncultured that I thought Hispanics were American Indianns. I certainly didn't know how to pronounce Jesus in the Latin or Hispanic manner. Houston was a whole new world to me. My eyes got opened wide by living with so many other races of people and by visiting so many other places. I don't even think books could have allowed me to vicariously have these experiences. Yes, I was culturally shocked by New York, even after having lived in Houston for many years. What I didn't tell before is the many wonderful experiences I had in New York after the first trip. Walking around in Harlem allowed me to feel the ghost and magnitude of the Harlem Renaissance Writers, Malcolm X, Adam Clayton Powell, and countless other remarkable Blacks Americans. Kevin was right, New York does have a lot of things few other places have. Of course, I wouldn't admit it to him. But surely he knows I know it. Your article was quite welcomed because it made me ponder What is Mississippi and Why I Love it.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-10-23T18:57:13-06:00