Ellington

I'm not sure what "cool mom" means, but I'm flattered. If it means being an irresponsible parent, I withdraw the nomination. So many times people think being "cool" to kids requires that you let them drink and smoke and enforce no discipline or expectations on them. Johnny and I are quite the opposite. I really think of myself as a teacher.

If I'm liked at all by my children and their friends, it's because I simply like them as people. Our home has always been the place where everybody gathers and hangs out, probably because I'm a good cook, and I have a good ear. Oh, and I don't mind serving them, because that's one of the traditions I learned, and I don't mind passing that on. There's a difference between subservience and making people feel truly welcome. So I try really hard to make everybody feel comfortable. Then I listen to them and ask about their lives, what they're up to, what they're thinking, what they're interested in from what they're learning, what they want. A lot of times I get the clear sense that my questions have never been asked of them before.

I think a lot of the frustration of young adults comes from those of us calling ourselves adults lumping them together. We tend to think of teenagers as a group, like a school of fish; honestly, we identify them by the group they belong to, and that is always wrong. But if you take the time to engage them one-on-one and listen, I find something unique about each one of them. They each have a distinct talent and are much more mature than we ever give them credit for, especially the ones that don't talk much usually. They just need to be encouraged, to belong to something that would be so different if they weren't a member. Then you find something rare in each of them, like a pearl on the beach. It is there. Parents just have to look.

With my own children, I've always tried as hard as I could to be available as a mother. So much of parenting is actually being there. The other huge part is being real to them, making them understand that Johnny and I are human beings with the same fears and concerns and hopes and far-fetched dreams that they have but are embarrassed to express. The difference is that we will love them unconditionally, no matter what, and will never quit supporting them, rooting for them, wanting more for them.

My job is not to show them their limits or their shortcomings; on the contrary, my job is to make their horizons as broad as their imaginations. At the same time, my job is to teach them what really matters, what lasts, and that certain things are not permitted. By that I mean that certain things should not be permitted by them, not just by me. That means being there, listening seriously (especially when it is hard to listen), winning confidence, and relying on them as much as they rely on me.