Ellington

Here's an important message from the law office of Cootie McBride, the people's lawyer: Some clients come to me with extremely large knots on their foreheads after taking a pain pill for aching joints. Other clients, who take diet pills to lose weight quickly, come to my office with a pinky toe the size of a big toe. Angry male clients, whose eyes are crossed after taking a few sexual enhancement pills, storm into my office. As the people's lawyer I have helped many individuals who took drugs with unusual physical side effects get the money they deserve.

Now I represent individuals who suffer from RETV sickness—aka Reality/Escape Television Viewing. This sickness happens when people develop obsessive reality-television viewing habits. I work for clients who want compensation because their loved ones are addicted to weekly cablecasts of VH1's "Strange Love with Flava-Flav," of the rap group Public Enemy, dating Brigitte Neilson, the tall blonde woman who starred in one of the "Rocky" movies.

The Ghetto Science Team advised me that obsession with the "Strange Love" show has the following side effects: Males wear big clocks around their necks to let folks know what time it is, while females establish relationships with several international love interests. Therefore, people with RETV sickness contribute to the pain and suffering of others.

If you are a victim of RETV sickness and would like compensation for pain and suffering, call the brutha who will show ya the money at 1-800-4COOTIE.

Ken Stiggers is a television producer in Jackson and the co-host of The Lyric Lounge Thursdays at Santiago's.