Ellington

Once the male praying mantis completes the mating process, his lover greedily eats him. As an expectant mother, she needs the nutrition. And she won't have to listen to him snore. Society demands human females take a gentler approach to the male of the species, but one similarity with our insect friends remains: If the man wants to mate, he had better provide the food.

Human mating rituals commonly begin with the male asking the female to accompany him to a restaurant. When choosing the appropriate restaurant, it is important to keep in mind the goals for the evening. Some goal-restaurant relationships are obvious. For example, men, do not take your date to Hooters to talk about how you get in touch with your feminine side. Other associations are not as obvious. Thus, I have prepared a list of mating situations and the appropriate venue for each in the greater Jackson area.

The initial meeting, most likely arranged by your sister-in-law who believes it is her business to see that everyone is as unhappily married as she, should be in an active, public place. Broad Street at Banner Hall is perfect in this circumstance. It is crowded, it is easy to go dutch, and there are at least three public entrances, allowing for either of you to leave without having to walk out together. The venue offers an additional benefit: MusiQuarium. After your date leaves, you can go upstairs, order a beer and tell everyone what a dog your sister-in-law set you up with this time. You can do this even if she was beautiful, you begged her for a date, and she called you pond scum.

The first real date is designed for the two of you to get to know each other and—hopefully—for the female to invite the male to spend the night. Each of the participants is aware, at least on a visceral level, of the goal, but choosing a suitable location is still important. Ecco in Lefleur's Gallery is perfect. Soft lights and tall booths contribute to an intimate ambience. The wine glasses,on tall stems, feature perfect tulip-shaped bowls that nestle perfectly in the hand. Never overlook the importance of the shape of the wine glasses. Everything on the menu is excellent, but make sure you get the Santa Fe Tortilla for an appetizer. It is big enough to share.

Dessert is also an issue for the "invitation goal" date. Chocolate is said to increase serotonin, the chemical that improves our mood. After Ecco, dash over to Old Canton Mart Road and drive through the Hickory Pit for a couple of slices of the Hershey Bar pie. If chocolate increases serotonin, this stuff is instant Prozac. WARNING: Do not take your date inside the Hickory Pit. Cold fluorescent light and the ringing of cash registers will destroy the mood.

Eventually, assuming "invitation goal" success, the happy couple might wish to make their relationship permanent and exclusive–subject, of course, to an extensive pre-nuptial agreement. Bruno's Eclectic Cuisine offers the proper setting for a proposal. Upscale with a warm, cozy atmosphere, Bruno's lets her know you have panache. The food has Caribbean, Thai and Latin influence, and vegetarian and vegan dishes are available. This is the "Yes, I will spend the rest of my life with you subject to certain terms and conditions" night. Go all out.

The proposal is successful, time passes and the couple eventually falls into a less passionate, but comfortable relationship. This is when occasions such as Valentine's Day call for celebration of a life together. I suggest Amerigo for the "We've made it work" night. The food is good, portions are ample and you can pay the check and the house note in the same month. Amerigo also has a kids' menu. This could be an important factor as the mating process has gone on for some time now. Amerigo's sizeable portions could induce lethargy and reduce desire, but hey, if it doesn't happen tonight, it won't be like the end of the world or anything.

Other than the death-after-copulation factor, another disadvantage the male praying mantis suffers is the lack of opportunity to have an affair. This could happen if new magic enters your life and you feel the need to explore. Broad Street definitely won't work. There are too many people you know there eating carrot cake and drinking coffee. What is needed is a place with good food, a romantic atmosphere and fast service (if it doesn't happen tonight, it will seem like the end of the world). Parker House in Ridgeland meets the requirements of good food and a great atmosphere. Additionally, portions of the restaurant are furnished with curtained booths. It is a great place to hide. Good food takes time, however, and this may be a drawback for "We don't want to be seen" night.

Occasionally, despite all precautions, one is seen. The result is a diminished financial capacity and, thus, lowered expectations for dining out (especially if you signed that pre-nup.) For the budget-conscious, the Waffle House on the west I-55 service road has excellent food and is open 24/7. Should you require an occasional vegetable, there is a Piccadilly cafeteria on the other side of the interstate.

Andrew Scott is the pseudonym of a local restaurant critic and writer.