Ellington

I'm no feminist, and I definitely wear a bra most days of the week, but I am fed up with men giving me their unsolicited advice or trying to force me into liberation. It happened on the track one day at the YMCA on Fortification Street. I was plodding along at my 5.5 mph pace minding my own business. Suddenly some jerk … oops, I mean strange man … ran up beside me and said, "You should lengthen out your stride," then ran on ahead. Look, buddy, I'm training for a marathon and being coached by a nationally ranked triathlon athlete; I don't need your advice. Needless to say, I didn't see the fellow again that evening. Why? After one measly mile, he headed inside to lift weights. I finished my six miles in record time while fuming over this meathead's comment.

While sharing my outrage with Blondie after our run, she relayed a similar story. A few days earlier at the service station filling a gas can with fuel for her tractor, some Bubba decides to inform her, "Ya know that's diesel, dontcha?" Yeah, she thought to herself, and at least I have all my teeth.

Why do guys (not all; I won't generalize) seem to catch the "Let me help the poor lil' lady out" syndrome every chance they get? I am not a delicate Southern flower, although I clean up pretty well. I actually know how to check the oil in my car, and I can use the potty all by myself. And, yes, I know the proper way to hold a dumbbell. I probably spend more time in the gym than most men.

This "syndrome" reminds me of a recent commentary I read on Slate.com about women in combat. Two writers, both female, were duking it out this particular week about the issue. One author, a journalist, reveals that from interviews with female GIs and several national surveys, she found that most women in the military have never ached for a place on the "frontlines." Women know their limitations, particularly the physical ones, she said, but the military does need to make other changes to allow women to excel without having to prove themselves to their male counterparts. The other author, a 12-year veteran of the Air Force, shrugged at what she calls a non-issue. Of course, women aren't seething to head into direct combat; they're already a part of the action whether it's manning an intelligence center or managing the supply house. Supporting the war effort in any capacity is a satisfying deed in itself.

Different angles, but basically they agreed that putting women on the frontlines isn't key to making the military a friendlier place for women. They went on to spar about gender-integrated training/boot camps.

After reading this dialogue, I brushed up on a few issues, like the Tailhook scandal, which opened up extensive discussions about the subject of women in combat after the Gulf War. I decided that the debate over women in direct combat sounds like some guys in Washington, D.C. got together amidst their cigars and watered-down drinks and decided what they thought was best for their politics and those sweet lil' ladies in the military. Why not just let the ladies decide for themselves instead making a national case over what's probably a non-issue to most of us? Once again, men are ramming their unsolicited advice and supposed liberation down the throats of women. How typically male.

Granted, there are always some women and women's organizations involved in any discussion about women's rights and gender disparities. That only makes sense. But those women frequently represent a small portion of the general female population, and I fear that they often become a facade for male-powered agendas.

What I believe is truly liberating for women whether on the battlefield or in the boardroom is having the freedom to excel or even fail on our own terms. No guide strings attached, no booby traps identified. If I choose to go forth blindfolded or with night-vision goggles, the path ahead of me is mine alone. Don't try to protect us and certainly don't try to mold us for your own purposes.

In the meantime, I'll keep sneering at the guys at the gym offering their chauvinistic training tips, and I'll continue to roll my eyes when my husband provides driving trips on the way to the grocery store (yes, he's guilty, too). Thanks for the advice, guys, but I'll manage on my own. Honest.
Jennifer Spann is a regular columnist for the Jackson Free Press.

Previous Comments

ID

68357

Comment

Why don't you consider yourself a feminist?

Author

casey

Date

2003-04-23T22:44:57-06:00

ID

68358

Comment

As a Southern man, I have to point out the damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't paradox that many Southern men experience. On one hand, we are expected to be chivalrous and courteous to women of all statures... Open doors, close doors, say ma'am, get up from the table, pull chairs from tables, etc. These manners are taught from birth and expected by most Southerners (male and female alike). Now, with 'equality' being pushed in every forum, men are taught that most of these things can be or are insulting to women. Still, many women in the South expect these traits in Southern men. *My grandmother still gets pissed that I don't use "ma'am" when saying yes or no. As well, I don't think I would view someone giving me tips at the gym as insulting. Most people go to gyms to learn proper methods of exercise and experience community. It could be that the gentleman simply wanted to help... Maybe someone had passed the same tip his way and he thought he would pass it on - or- like you said, it could be that you were a woman. Regardless, I doubt the 'tip' was meant to be insulting. It is rather dangerous to assume because a man offers to help that he thinks you are weak or not capable... I would wage 95% of the time it is tied to upbringing and basic courtesy; it's how we are 'trained'. To make things more confusing for the male mind, I have seen contrasting articles where women have complained because men were not offering assistance or being "chivalrous"... It seems to be a double-edged sword that continues to poke men in their sides. Until the grey areas are a little more defined, you will likely experience this paradox more often than not. I think it would be interesting to do an survey on this phenomena and contrast women's and men's views on the topic. It could possibly shed a new light and introduce different ideas to women and men alike.

Author

Knol Aust

Date

2003-04-24T11:14:54-06:00

ID

68359

Comment

My big problem now that I'm back in Mississippi is to get young people to STOP saying "m'aam" to me! ;-D Argh. Seriously, I really do hate it, and not just because it's treating me like an old lady. I know it's supposed to be a form of respect, but I'd much rather a younger person, or an intern, or a student or anybody just call me "Donna" and engage in intelligent dialogue with me, rather than meekly saying "yes, m'aam" and "no, m'aam" all the time. Sometimes I wonder if, however well-meaning, older generations are actually silencing young voices by commanding all this so-called "respect" (which isn't really respect; it's just words, but I'll hold that for another time). My theory is that younger people will respect me a whole lot more if I ask for their opinions and listen to them and get them involved with projects they enjoy and treat them like equals. But, boy, have I departed from the topic of Spann's article, so I'll shut up now. I do like Casey's question above, though: So, what does the word "feminist" say to you? If Spann isn't what she considers a "feminist," how would you define feminism? (Hold on: This one should send our anonymous conservative posters into a tailspin. But we welcome their insightful thoughts, as always.)

Author

ladd

Date

2003-04-24T12:43:57-06:00

ID

68360

Comment

Bravo! I liked this article! I hate southern stereotypes! and the "helpless southern bell" is one of them! give me a chick who can think & do for herself! philip the feminist

Author

Philip Scarborough

Date

2003-04-24T13:37:22-06:00

ID

68361

Comment

I think this discussion is interesting. Here's a list of things I cannot do--not because I'm a woman, but because I I've tried and I am less than incompetent: Change a tire Mow the grass Split firewood Drive at night LIft anything much heavier than my children Climb up on the roof and clean the gutters Bake potatoes in the oven or microwave Light a gas grill Use a sewing machine Do my own taxes There's lots of things I can do badly: Shoot a gun Grow anything in the yard Nail wood together and have it stay Change the printer cartridge Brew iced tea Paint walls and furniture Put on mascara On the other hand, I can pick my children up out of bed at night without waking them up. check my oil, figure out how a recipe will taste before I concoct it, organize a closet, make my kids pick up their rooms, manhandle a wheelbarrow, stack firewood, and make my own money doing work I love. My husband can cook to suit himself but likes mine better, he makes the iced tea, he mops floors, he cleans the kitchen (I cook, you clean) he dressed our children for school the first five years of their lives, he takes them to the doctor when needed, he goes to every other birthday party, and he even buys Barbie clothes when he's doing the Christmas shopping. He also hunts and stocks the freezer full of deer meat and works 40 hours a week at a company he loves. So what's my point? Who's the feminist in my house? Who cares? We divvied up the work according to who could do it best or hated it least and hired the rest out--and we don't hear a peep out of friends or family about it. Why? If you exude an air of either absolute competence or of I-don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think attitude, you'd don't get the kind of grief Spann is noticing. What OTHER people think about me does not DEFINE me. That knowledge is hard-won in my life, but is a lesson I had to learn or I would be swallowed up in other people's expectations or hangups. It doesn't only apply to women, but it can be a great buffer against the exact sensations Spann is describing. Knol, if saying yes ma'am and no ma'am and all the rest of it is part of your personal code of ethics and your concept of yourself as a person, don't change it because other people don't respect who you want to be.

Author

JW

Date

2003-04-24T21:57:11-06:00

ID

68362

Comment

What I think would be another interesting direction is a discussion on how women deal with the misplaced agendas and gender expectations placed on us by OTHER women--from the Martha Stewart types to the bra-less militants. When I bake cookies, they're usually slice-and-bake--and darn good ones, too. Not good enough for some people, though--I send cookies to daycare class and another mom sends elaborately crafted character cupcakes. On the other side, there are probably hundreds of dedicated activists out in internet land that think the sentiments I expressed in my last post are just my way of copping out and not facing the issues women deal with today--and are tsk-tsking that I'm so blinded by the white power structure and don't even know it. How does one find boon companions of like mind between the extremes?

Author

JW

Date

2003-04-24T22:08:05-06:00

ID

68363

Comment

Are there really "bra-less militants" out there these days? The most, er, "militant" feminists I know wear bras unless they're A cups! I think Rush's "femi-nazis" are for the most part a figment of his market-savvy imagination. Feminism has come a long way, baby. I certainly agree, though, that the Martha Stewart effect of late has made life much busier for many women. I tried that Living crap for a while, then gave it up for Lent and never went back (and I'm not even Catholic). JW, I didn't see any "copping out" in your post. It sounds like you have an incredibly equal thing going at home; feminism has never said that you can't pick up the children and let him, er, shoot the animals if that's what you want. It's the "what you want" part that is key.

Author

ladd

Date

2003-04-25T01:31:05-06:00

ID

68364

Comment

Agree with D's comments on "what you want". That's what it should be about. I also agree with JW that it is important to stand for who you are. I think both are humanist points of view and easily transcend terms like feminism. I adore women (and men) with abilities usually deemed by #(insert appropriate lifestyle magazine here)# as outside their grasp. I especially love it when women can change a tire and their oil since I know many men that can not! And it is equally beautiful to watch a man change a diaper or handle chores like laundry and cooking! It is obvious the "roles" are breaking down and humans are beginning to act as individuals without them... But it is not so obvious that perceptions are changing as rapidly regarding those roles. Madonna was asked, "Are you a feminist?" She replied, "I'm a humanist." I hope this is becoming the case for us all! Standing for each other and supporting each other rather than belittling and stereotyping.

Author

Knol Aust

Date

2003-04-25T07:11:43-06:00

ID

68365

Comment

Madonna a Humanist? I think Madonna over the years has proven to be the epitome of a Capitalist. She's a corporation. She doesn't give a darn about average Joes. Please tell me Aust that she isn't your role model.

Author

Reader

Date

2003-04-25T09:00:17-06:00

ID

68366

Comment

Role model? Hardly. But, I do applaud her for promoting(?) ideals that extend beyond smackin' biatches and smokin' doves -- a dangerous theme proliferating the pop music scene and targeted at young people. She also gives young women an achievable role model that at least promotes a healthy lifestyle using spirituality, yoga, and free-expression and that goals are attainable... Better than Courtney Love passing out in her own puke and having sex with every John she meets while sporting a Versace dress that is "cool" not "sellout" because she ripped it. Of course, Madonna's a corporation! What artist in this era or previous is not their own corporation or wanted to be their own corporation? In a capitalist society, is that entirely wrong? She owns her own recording company; is her own agent; a mother; a wife; an artist (not an actor ;P)... She is literally and figuratively living the "American dream". Whether that's attractive or detestable is a matter of opinion and best left to the forums at MTV.com since it is so far from the topic. I was simply using the quote as a point: we need to drop the "feminist"/"macho" ideals and begin living and loving as humans and as a humanist community. I hate you misinterpreted it as a "Madonna rocks" comment; heck, the post had nothing to do with Madonna. *Soapbox alert Do all "READERS" have to be on the offensive? Is it a requirement somewhere hidden in the bowels of this site?

Author

Knol Aust

Date

2003-04-25T09:26:53-06:00

ID

68367

Comment

Sorry Aust, but of all the successful women in this world you could have selected to make your point you chose Madonna. I never interpreted it as a "Madonna rocks" statement but must say that you've gone out of your way to paint her in a very positive light. I don't happen to agree with your portrayl. Gosh, was that unexpected? I'm surprised you became so defensive. Its only a difference of opinion. If you are going to wade into and participate in the market of public opinion then expect to be challenged. Hate? C'mon now, its not personal.

Author

Reader

Date

2003-04-25T13:36:58-06:00

ID

68368

Comment

Hey JW, one question. If your not concerned what others think, why do you post anonymously?

Author

Bryan Grundon

Date

2003-04-26T21:34:36-06:00

ID

68369

Comment

Habit. I was posting on Internet bulletin boards before there ever was a world wide web, and everyone posted anonymously. Also I don't mind you all knowing what I think, but I mind any and every stalker/ yahoo/hacker/identity thief roaming around in the ether having access to my email, real name, and ISP address and using them for their own nefarious reasons.

Author

JW

Date

2003-04-27T13:26:05-06:00